There are very few words, but mostly tears.

I feel like the concept of "the straw that breaks the camel's back" seems to describe my big emotional episodes. I can deal with a lot, but there's always that big, fat, STUPID straw that breaks my back and makes me want to break things. I've suffered a lot of rejection(no, this is not the place where you start comparing yourself to me and talking about how much worse your life is, because this is my blog and on here, it's about me) and I can usually just blow past it and move on. I can't seem to get past this particular instance of serial lying. What, I'm not worth the truth? Or was it the secondary gain he wanted from telling me that he wanted the relationship? He never thought we were compatible and so in the mean time, he's going to use me as someone to make out with. That's all I am really, to him. A mouth and some long legs he liked to stare at. I keep seeing the way he used to look at me and when he looked at me like that, it made me think that he truly cared about me. It was all a lie. Oh, look! I've distracted myself from crying now, finally! Earlier today I actually ran out of tears. I wanted to cry and scream so bad, but there wasn't anything left except for more anguish building up.

The real kicker is that I went into this thinking: "Finally. An honest guy who treats me well. He's different from all the other crappy guys I've dated." Turns out he's just the same as all the others. He puts on his nice guy alter to hide his true identity as a douche bag. I always pride myself on being able to read people so well, and yet, I NEVER SAW THIS COMING. I figured: if this guy is going to break up with me, it's because I did something wrong to screw it up.

I just really wish he was hurting as much as I am right now...

It's also times like these, when I'm feeling like the most lonely person in the world, that I wonder who my true friends are. That usually reveals itself around these kinds of times. Those who don't care decide to leave when times get hard and you need someone to tolerate your fluctuating emotions. It makes me wonder: who's not going to be there for me this time.

He made a comment one time to me when I was going to tell him something I learned in my psychology class, and he interrupted me and told me to stop talking about that, he wasn't interested. I wish I had taken that comment more seriously than I did at the time. I accepted his fake apology for stifling my interest and intellect and moved on. What is it with guys? It seems like all they want is some dumb girl they can dominate and kick around and keep in the kitchen. I mean, I'm not opposed to the wife and mother role, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be uneducated and unable to support myself! Ugh, laptop battery is dying. Oh darn, my crazy ranting is over for the night...

Bone Marrow: Important stuff, eh?

Okay, so I've decided that since I'm involved with the Bone Marrow Donor Registry event on campus, I feel very strongly that I should share why I've become so passionate about it. I don't tend to get involved with things on campus much, although I did do Get Connected, but since I started Fast Grad, I started valuing my time at home a lot more and don't care to cut my vacations from school short. I don't really get involved that much because honestly, I'm pretty selfish. All I really think about is my grades and making myself chill out every once in awhile. But, I made a huge exception when I got the weekly student update email asking for volunteers for this event. I had no idea there was a National Bone Marrow Donor Registry, even though it makes perfect sense that there would be. Some people don't have family or friends that can donate to them, but they still get transplants. I guess I just never thought of it. I got super excited and emailed the person they instructed me to right away. I went on the National Bone Marrow Donor Registry's website and read through everything on there. Once I read about how easy the donation process is (at least compared to what I've heard, about how painful it is,) I thought about how painful it would be to have a disease that would require a bone marrow transplant, specifically I thought about leukemia. I've never experienced cancer myself, but I've learned about how cancer perpetuates in the body and the only way they know how to get rid of it effectively is through treatments that poison rapidly dividing cancer cells, but also poison all other rapidly dividing cells in your body such as hair cells, liver cells, and bone marrow. Bone marrow is very important within the body mainly because it produces red and white blood cells. Red blood cells are in charge of carrying oxygen and other nutrients throughout the body. White blood cells are in charge of keeping the body safe from foreign invaders. Your body can't function without these. I especially think of white blood cells, because if you don't have your white blood cells, you can get an infection very easily and there's really not much your body can do about it. The reason healthy people don't die from the common cold or an ear infection is because our bodies can fight them off. Without our immune system, bacteria and viruses would be able to take over our cells for their own purposes which would make them not able to do what they are supposed to do. Thinking about all this in my head gave me this exact conviction: The pain that I would go through and the small risks I would take through donating and going under anesthesia and the interruption to my life is very small compared to the world of good that it can do for someone that is suffering: a small child with their whole life ahead of them. A mother with young children who need her. A father who's adult children can't bear seeing their lifelong hero in such a state of weakness. There is a lot of pain that comes with cancer, not just physical pain of the person afflicted with it: but so much emotional pain for the afflicted and the friends and family who see this person being destroyed from the inside. I can't bear to think that I could go on with my life knowing that I had the ability to make a huge difference in someone's life for such a small sacrifice: I would be in a small amount of pain, maybe throw up from the anesthesia (unfortunately, my body doesn't like general anesthesia), and be out of work or school for a couple of days. To me, this is small. This is why I am so passionate about being able to be on the marrow donor registry. I hope that seeing my side of this will help others think about donating or maybe provide comfort to those who want to donate but maybe are scared to.

Macbeth! (This post has little to do with Macbeth actually!)

I'm supposed to be reading Macbeth right now, but quite honestly, I need to wake up! I got too cozy and warm while reading it and now that I got to Act V, I fear I won't finish it tonight! Anyway, I've declared war on my face! Cystic acne sucks and I can't wait to get to the dermatologist on Monday because quite honestly I'm tired of being in pain! From my research, with cystic acne, the only effective route to go is prescription, so I don't have much of a choice! Today was my breaking point: I made an appointment for monday and I went to walgreens and decided to try new facial products because mine just aren't cutting the mustard! I got an awesome cleanser and moisturizer, both by Garnier Fructis, and so far, I'm in love! I also got two packets of those deep cleansing masks. The pictures on them always amused me because they have so much other random crap on their faces besides the actual mask! I washed with the new scrub, did a deep cleansing mask, used noxema toner, did a moisturizing mask from Mark that I already had, applied 10% Benzoyal (sp?) Peroxide acne cream, and finished off with my new moisturizer. My skin feels great right now! I've also decided to go on a makeup fast for at least a week, not including Halloween (I'm being Billy from Hocus Pocus, so I really can't get around the makeup thing for that). I thought I was meticulous before about taking care of my face? Well I've just stepped it up a few notches. Now, I know y'all REALLY want to know way more TMI about my face, but I simply have no more to say about it! LOL, I have to stop wasting time now! Goodnight!

It's been awhile, hasn't it!

Sorry guys! I'm so busy lately. I also can't sleep right now! I slept for a total of about two hours and my mind decided that it was time to get up! So I've just been trying to get through school and everything. I'm having a hard time focusing lately, which really isn't good! I need to nip that in the butt majorly! I'm taking Intro to Biology (we started out with stuff that I really didn't care about, but we're getting into more interesting things lately. My teachers team teach and it's hilarious! I think we're starting photosynthesis on Monday). I'm taking General Chemistry II (I feel like I understand the class better than I understood 105 and my teacher, however bad of a rep he has, totally kicks butt. He rocks! Chemistry still isn't my thing, but life goes on, right?). I'm taking Human Anatomy and Physiology II (I love everything I learn in that class. I wish I didn't decide to take it so early though because it makes it hard to stay awake. I have no idea how my teacher jumps around the whole time he's teaching at that time of the morning!) I am also taking Themes in Literature (our theme is Faery and it's one of the most fun classes I've taken. I'm really sad my teacher's retiring after this semester. He also kicks butt). That's my life. I also decided to apply for a really awesome job during this time of no sleep. I really hope I didn't sound too "herp-derp" in my cover letter that I had to majorly change around. The job I applied for was as a donor processing assistant at the plasma center and the last job I applied for was as a copy editor for online course development. Very different skill sets if you ask me. Having a job will be stressful (if I get it!) but in all reality, I really need the money and I really need the hands on patient experience for grad school because physician assistant programs demand super heroes! (A- averages and thousands of paid, hands on clinical hours). As a donor processing assistant, I would take medical histories, make sure those who come in to donate plasma are eligible, maintain a safe environment, answer the phone, etc. I would feel like this is my first real job! Although I loved waitressing, it still was my first job and it didn't feel like a real grown up job (even though there were ladies much older than I waitressing at the good ol Bob Evans). The main advantage of working at the kiosk was that it was laid back and it was a job (no one else was hiring when I got this job). Custodial work was pretty cool mostly because the hours really didn't get in the way of my schedule (4 am-7 am). Anyway, since submitting everything for the job, I feel a little more awake and may just attempt homework. I tried it earlier, but my brain melted (oh I think I just copied that from my FB status, OH NO!!!)

Summer Break Can't Last Forever...

You know what, I know that I've been a big whiner lately, but honestly, I've been hating my life so much that I don't much care that I've been whining a lot. I was looking forward to going on summer break to have a break from the immense amount of stress that I impose on myself during the school year and the psychological damage from the car crash (not going away anytime soon, according to my therapist). Unfortunately, neither of these was possible during break. Instead of stress free, I got 8 hours of babysitting a day, up until recently, in which I got 6 hours of babysitting a day. This sounds great right? I got a summer job!!! Except it was all for free with no offer of payment. Some may call this service, but can it really be deemed service when it's without choice and someone EXPECTS you to raise their child??? Instead of stress free, I got 2 year old drama, which means throwing a fit over everything. I don't like having other people's responsibilities forced on me. I know, SO ABNORMAL!!! Instead of recovering from psychological damage from the car accident, all I got was nagging questions from just about everyone about when I'm going to get my driver's license. YOU KNOW WHAT??? I CAN BARELY SIT IN A CAR WITHOUT FREAKING OUT THAT I'M GOING TO DIE AT ANY MINUTE SO JUST GET OFF MY F****ING BACK!!!!!!!! Instead of recovering from psychological drama, my life gets put on hold for someone that can't even be trusted to make good decisions for themselves or more importantly, their child. This all seriously makes me never want to come home again. What's going to happen next time, huh???? I'm so sick of this. Someone just get her out of my life, because I can't seem to!!!! She's invaded my house, my "haven" as it's supposed to be!!!! Where am I supposed to go now??? I hate home and I don't leave for Rexburg for another week!!!!! I really can't take it anymore. I'm really trying to hold it all together, but I can't seem to for more than a couple hours.

Letter to a Scroll "journalist" who cited my accident in an opinion article

Dear Mr. Wilcox:

Hello, my name is Jenifer Wagner and I'm emailing you in response to your article in the Scroll concerning pedestrian safety. It was very well written, in my opinion. I do have one criticism though: when you use examples in your article, they should be relevant to your subject. Your example of the recent car accident involving a pedestrian was very irrelevant to your story. You would know this had you checked your facts. The reason I know that it was irrelevant was that I was the pedestrian in the accident. First off, don't stop reading this email right now, because I have some very important things to point out and I promise I won't be abusive or harsh in my manner of explaining myself. I know you think that who was at fault "doesn't matter" and that you "don't care" but in an article emphasizing that pedestrians aren't exercising enough safety, it actually matters a lot. I want to start off by saying that I agree that pedestrians do need to exercise caution. But using my accident to illustrate this was very insulting to me, because it made it seem like I wasn't exercising caution. I'll have you know that I did everything I could to keep myself safe. I was not on my phone and I did not have an mp3 player blocking out my surroundings. I hit the button for the flashing beacon before crossing the street. I looked both ways before entering the crosswalk. I continued to look both ways as I was crossing. It wasn't until it was too late that I saw the car that hit me. In the police report, the driver stated that she couldn't see anyone in the crosswalk because her "windshield was foggy from the dust". If you don't believe any of this that I'm saying, I'd be happy to send you a copy of the police report. I really hope that knowing this about the accident shows you that getting facts before writing an article, even an opinion article, is very important. Please remember this as you go about life, writing papers for undergrad or grad school, or even if you go on to publish other writings. I realize that you can't please everyone in what you write, but please note that this email is not concerning pleasing others in what you write. Now, whatever you do in response to this email is not up to me to decide, but please don't be angry that I wrote something that wasn't exactly praiseworthy of your article. The only reason that I wrote this email to you personally, and not to the Scroll editor, was that I didn't want to humiliate or make an example out of you. I just wanted to confront this issue in a nonchalant manner. If you decided to read this e-mail all the way through, thank you. Thank you also for your time.

-Jenifer Wagner

Replacement

Yesterday, after I found out that my knee has no torn ligaments and is just very deeply bruised (thank goodness, but it still hurts like heck), I realized a pattern in my recovery. The better that my body got, the more I was feeling emotional pain over this whole accident. This was made quite obvious to me by the major emotional breakdown I had and the minor one right before bed. It just makes me mad and sad to no end that my life was completely turned upside down from this. I have to rely on other people for the most basic things and I hate that so much. It's getting better, I can do more things for myself, but before when I couldn't do anything for myself it really sucked. There's still a few things I can't do: normal shower because my knee is too weak, I can't style my hair because it hurts my elbow too much, I can't go on walks because I get too tired and I'd be afraid of crossing some of the streets. I can do stairs, but it's so exhausting. On Friday morning, I left the house excited for life: I was going to start exercising again and I had a vigorous study and homework schedule, but I left that on that driver's windshield when she hit me. I can't do much exercise, although my dad suggested a stationary bike, which I might try out. I'm too tired to do anything but the bare minimum, although I'm going to try to get a lot done today. All of this is made more frustrating by the fact that she wasn't hurt at all and gets to go about life business as usual. She doesn't have to worry about bringing her grades up while her body and mind are exhausted by the smallest tasks. She doesn't have to rely on her roommates to change bandages for her because looking at the deep cut makes her nauseous or looking at all the road rash, bruises, and the deep cuts and just wanting to cry every time. Or having to have people open doors for you because trying to get through doors on crutches is an acrobatic task or have people carry things for you because your hands are too busy operating crutches.