There are very few words, but mostly tears.

I feel like the concept of "the straw that breaks the camel's back" seems to describe my big emotional episodes. I can deal with a lot, but there's always that big, fat, STUPID straw that breaks my back and makes me want to break things. I've suffered a lot of rejection(no, this is not the place where you start comparing yourself to me and talking about how much worse your life is, because this is my blog and on here, it's about me) and I can usually just blow past it and move on. I can't seem to get past this particular instance of serial lying. What, I'm not worth the truth? Or was it the secondary gain he wanted from telling me that he wanted the relationship? He never thought we were compatible and so in the mean time, he's going to use me as someone to make out with. That's all I am really, to him. A mouth and some long legs he liked to stare at. I keep seeing the way he used to look at me and when he looked at me like that, it made me think that he truly cared about me. It was all a lie. Oh, look! I've distracted myself from crying now, finally! Earlier today I actually ran out of tears. I wanted to cry and scream so bad, but there wasn't anything left except for more anguish building up.

The real kicker is that I went into this thinking: "Finally. An honest guy who treats me well. He's different from all the other crappy guys I've dated." Turns out he's just the same as all the others. He puts on his nice guy alter to hide his true identity as a douche bag. I always pride myself on being able to read people so well, and yet, I NEVER SAW THIS COMING. I figured: if this guy is going to break up with me, it's because I did something wrong to screw it up.

I just really wish he was hurting as much as I am right now...

It's also times like these, when I'm feeling like the most lonely person in the world, that I wonder who my true friends are. That usually reveals itself around these kinds of times. Those who don't care decide to leave when times get hard and you need someone to tolerate your fluctuating emotions. It makes me wonder: who's not going to be there for me this time.

He made a comment one time to me when I was going to tell him something I learned in my psychology class, and he interrupted me and told me to stop talking about that, he wasn't interested. I wish I had taken that comment more seriously than I did at the time. I accepted his fake apology for stifling my interest and intellect and moved on. What is it with guys? It seems like all they want is some dumb girl they can dominate and kick around and keep in the kitchen. I mean, I'm not opposed to the wife and mother role, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be uneducated and unable to support myself! Ugh, laptop battery is dying. Oh darn, my crazy ranting is over for the night...

Bone Marrow: Important stuff, eh?

Okay, so I've decided that since I'm involved with the Bone Marrow Donor Registry event on campus, I feel very strongly that I should share why I've become so passionate about it. I don't tend to get involved with things on campus much, although I did do Get Connected, but since I started Fast Grad, I started valuing my time at home a lot more and don't care to cut my vacations from school short. I don't really get involved that much because honestly, I'm pretty selfish. All I really think about is my grades and making myself chill out every once in awhile. But, I made a huge exception when I got the weekly student update email asking for volunteers for this event. I had no idea there was a National Bone Marrow Donor Registry, even though it makes perfect sense that there would be. Some people don't have family or friends that can donate to them, but they still get transplants. I guess I just never thought of it. I got super excited and emailed the person they instructed me to right away. I went on the National Bone Marrow Donor Registry's website and read through everything on there. Once I read about how easy the donation process is (at least compared to what I've heard, about how painful it is,) I thought about how painful it would be to have a disease that would require a bone marrow transplant, specifically I thought about leukemia. I've never experienced cancer myself, but I've learned about how cancer perpetuates in the body and the only way they know how to get rid of it effectively is through treatments that poison rapidly dividing cancer cells, but also poison all other rapidly dividing cells in your body such as hair cells, liver cells, and bone marrow. Bone marrow is very important within the body mainly because it produces red and white blood cells. Red blood cells are in charge of carrying oxygen and other nutrients throughout the body. White blood cells are in charge of keeping the body safe from foreign invaders. Your body can't function without these. I especially think of white blood cells, because if you don't have your white blood cells, you can get an infection very easily and there's really not much your body can do about it. The reason healthy people don't die from the common cold or an ear infection is because our bodies can fight them off. Without our immune system, bacteria and viruses would be able to take over our cells for their own purposes which would make them not able to do what they are supposed to do. Thinking about all this in my head gave me this exact conviction: The pain that I would go through and the small risks I would take through donating and going under anesthesia and the interruption to my life is very small compared to the world of good that it can do for someone that is suffering: a small child with their whole life ahead of them. A mother with young children who need her. A father who's adult children can't bear seeing their lifelong hero in such a state of weakness. There is a lot of pain that comes with cancer, not just physical pain of the person afflicted with it: but so much emotional pain for the afflicted and the friends and family who see this person being destroyed from the inside. I can't bear to think that I could go on with my life knowing that I had the ability to make a huge difference in someone's life for such a small sacrifice: I would be in a small amount of pain, maybe throw up from the anesthesia (unfortunately, my body doesn't like general anesthesia), and be out of work or school for a couple of days. To me, this is small. This is why I am so passionate about being able to be on the marrow donor registry. I hope that seeing my side of this will help others think about donating or maybe provide comfort to those who want to donate but maybe are scared to.

Macbeth! (This post has little to do with Macbeth actually!)

I'm supposed to be reading Macbeth right now, but quite honestly, I need to wake up! I got too cozy and warm while reading it and now that I got to Act V, I fear I won't finish it tonight! Anyway, I've declared war on my face! Cystic acne sucks and I can't wait to get to the dermatologist on Monday because quite honestly I'm tired of being in pain! From my research, with cystic acne, the only effective route to go is prescription, so I don't have much of a choice! Today was my breaking point: I made an appointment for monday and I went to walgreens and decided to try new facial products because mine just aren't cutting the mustard! I got an awesome cleanser and moisturizer, both by Garnier Fructis, and so far, I'm in love! I also got two packets of those deep cleansing masks. The pictures on them always amused me because they have so much other random crap on their faces besides the actual mask! I washed with the new scrub, did a deep cleansing mask, used noxema toner, did a moisturizing mask from Mark that I already had, applied 10% Benzoyal (sp?) Peroxide acne cream, and finished off with my new moisturizer. My skin feels great right now! I've also decided to go on a makeup fast for at least a week, not including Halloween (I'm being Billy from Hocus Pocus, so I really can't get around the makeup thing for that). I thought I was meticulous before about taking care of my face? Well I've just stepped it up a few notches. Now, I know y'all REALLY want to know way more TMI about my face, but I simply have no more to say about it! LOL, I have to stop wasting time now! Goodnight!

It's been awhile, hasn't it!

Sorry guys! I'm so busy lately. I also can't sleep right now! I slept for a total of about two hours and my mind decided that it was time to get up! So I've just been trying to get through school and everything. I'm having a hard time focusing lately, which really isn't good! I need to nip that in the butt majorly! I'm taking Intro to Biology (we started out with stuff that I really didn't care about, but we're getting into more interesting things lately. My teachers team teach and it's hilarious! I think we're starting photosynthesis on Monday). I'm taking General Chemistry II (I feel like I understand the class better than I understood 105 and my teacher, however bad of a rep he has, totally kicks butt. He rocks! Chemistry still isn't my thing, but life goes on, right?). I'm taking Human Anatomy and Physiology II (I love everything I learn in that class. I wish I didn't decide to take it so early though because it makes it hard to stay awake. I have no idea how my teacher jumps around the whole time he's teaching at that time of the morning!) I am also taking Themes in Literature (our theme is Faery and it's one of the most fun classes I've taken. I'm really sad my teacher's retiring after this semester. He also kicks butt). That's my life. I also decided to apply for a really awesome job during this time of no sleep. I really hope I didn't sound too "herp-derp" in my cover letter that I had to majorly change around. The job I applied for was as a donor processing assistant at the plasma center and the last job I applied for was as a copy editor for online course development. Very different skill sets if you ask me. Having a job will be stressful (if I get it!) but in all reality, I really need the money and I really need the hands on patient experience for grad school because physician assistant programs demand super heroes! (A- averages and thousands of paid, hands on clinical hours). As a donor processing assistant, I would take medical histories, make sure those who come in to donate plasma are eligible, maintain a safe environment, answer the phone, etc. I would feel like this is my first real job! Although I loved waitressing, it still was my first job and it didn't feel like a real grown up job (even though there were ladies much older than I waitressing at the good ol Bob Evans). The main advantage of working at the kiosk was that it was laid back and it was a job (no one else was hiring when I got this job). Custodial work was pretty cool mostly because the hours really didn't get in the way of my schedule (4 am-7 am). Anyway, since submitting everything for the job, I feel a little more awake and may just attempt homework. I tried it earlier, but my brain melted (oh I think I just copied that from my FB status, OH NO!!!)

Summer Break Can't Last Forever...

You know what, I know that I've been a big whiner lately, but honestly, I've been hating my life so much that I don't much care that I've been whining a lot. I was looking forward to going on summer break to have a break from the immense amount of stress that I impose on myself during the school year and the psychological damage from the car crash (not going away anytime soon, according to my therapist). Unfortunately, neither of these was possible during break. Instead of stress free, I got 8 hours of babysitting a day, up until recently, in which I got 6 hours of babysitting a day. This sounds great right? I got a summer job!!! Except it was all for free with no offer of payment. Some may call this service, but can it really be deemed service when it's without choice and someone EXPECTS you to raise their child??? Instead of stress free, I got 2 year old drama, which means throwing a fit over everything. I don't like having other people's responsibilities forced on me. I know, SO ABNORMAL!!! Instead of recovering from psychological damage from the car accident, all I got was nagging questions from just about everyone about when I'm going to get my driver's license. YOU KNOW WHAT??? I CAN BARELY SIT IN A CAR WITHOUT FREAKING OUT THAT I'M GOING TO DIE AT ANY MINUTE SO JUST GET OFF MY F****ING BACK!!!!!!!! Instead of recovering from psychological drama, my life gets put on hold for someone that can't even be trusted to make good decisions for themselves or more importantly, their child. This all seriously makes me never want to come home again. What's going to happen next time, huh???? I'm so sick of this. Someone just get her out of my life, because I can't seem to!!!! She's invaded my house, my "haven" as it's supposed to be!!!! Where am I supposed to go now??? I hate home and I don't leave for Rexburg for another week!!!!! I really can't take it anymore. I'm really trying to hold it all together, but I can't seem to for more than a couple hours.

Letter to a Scroll "journalist" who cited my accident in an opinion article

Dear Mr. Wilcox:

Hello, my name is Jenifer Wagner and I'm emailing you in response to your article in the Scroll concerning pedestrian safety. It was very well written, in my opinion. I do have one criticism though: when you use examples in your article, they should be relevant to your subject. Your example of the recent car accident involving a pedestrian was very irrelevant to your story. You would know this had you checked your facts. The reason I know that it was irrelevant was that I was the pedestrian in the accident. First off, don't stop reading this email right now, because I have some very important things to point out and I promise I won't be abusive or harsh in my manner of explaining myself. I know you think that who was at fault "doesn't matter" and that you "don't care" but in an article emphasizing that pedestrians aren't exercising enough safety, it actually matters a lot. I want to start off by saying that I agree that pedestrians do need to exercise caution. But using my accident to illustrate this was very insulting to me, because it made it seem like I wasn't exercising caution. I'll have you know that I did everything I could to keep myself safe. I was not on my phone and I did not have an mp3 player blocking out my surroundings. I hit the button for the flashing beacon before crossing the street. I looked both ways before entering the crosswalk. I continued to look both ways as I was crossing. It wasn't until it was too late that I saw the car that hit me. In the police report, the driver stated that she couldn't see anyone in the crosswalk because her "windshield was foggy from the dust". If you don't believe any of this that I'm saying, I'd be happy to send you a copy of the police report. I really hope that knowing this about the accident shows you that getting facts before writing an article, even an opinion article, is very important. Please remember this as you go about life, writing papers for undergrad or grad school, or even if you go on to publish other writings. I realize that you can't please everyone in what you write, but please note that this email is not concerning pleasing others in what you write. Now, whatever you do in response to this email is not up to me to decide, but please don't be angry that I wrote something that wasn't exactly praiseworthy of your article. The only reason that I wrote this email to you personally, and not to the Scroll editor, was that I didn't want to humiliate or make an example out of you. I just wanted to confront this issue in a nonchalant manner. If you decided to read this e-mail all the way through, thank you. Thank you also for your time.

-Jenifer Wagner

Replacement

Yesterday, after I found out that my knee has no torn ligaments and is just very deeply bruised (thank goodness, but it still hurts like heck), I realized a pattern in my recovery. The better that my body got, the more I was feeling emotional pain over this whole accident. This was made quite obvious to me by the major emotional breakdown I had and the minor one right before bed. It just makes me mad and sad to no end that my life was completely turned upside down from this. I have to rely on other people for the most basic things and I hate that so much. It's getting better, I can do more things for myself, but before when I couldn't do anything for myself it really sucked. There's still a few things I can't do: normal shower because my knee is too weak, I can't style my hair because it hurts my elbow too much, I can't go on walks because I get too tired and I'd be afraid of crossing some of the streets. I can do stairs, but it's so exhausting. On Friday morning, I left the house excited for life: I was going to start exercising again and I had a vigorous study and homework schedule, but I left that on that driver's windshield when she hit me. I can't do much exercise, although my dad suggested a stationary bike, which I might try out. I'm too tired to do anything but the bare minimum, although I'm going to try to get a lot done today. All of this is made more frustrating by the fact that she wasn't hurt at all and gets to go about life business as usual. She doesn't have to worry about bringing her grades up while her body and mind are exhausted by the smallest tasks. She doesn't have to rely on her roommates to change bandages for her because looking at the deep cut makes her nauseous or looking at all the road rash, bruises, and the deep cuts and just wanting to cry every time. Or having to have people open doors for you because trying to get through doors on crutches is an acrobatic task or have people carry things for you because your hands are too busy operating crutches.

Times like these

The main thought on my mind is that it is a time like this, when your entire life has been turned upside down, that you figure out who truly cares about you. I am so thankful to those who have shown their care towards me during this whole experience, but right now at this moment, I'm very upset because some people that I thought might care about me have shown me that they really don't. I'm not sure if I'm extra emotional because of the pain medicine that I'm on, but this is something really upsetting to me. Obviously, I made it out of the crash in a lot better shape than I should have. No head injuries and no broken bones. But I wish that some would realize that although I'm really thankful to have come out of this so well, that it was still an extremely scary experience for me. I know that a lot worse could have happened which is what scares me. It scares me to death that I have to go out and face my fear of that crosswalk again in order to finish out the semester. I don't know if I'll be able to cross that alone and without being terrified the whole time. I thankfully can't vividly remember the accident, but I remember how it felt being hit and how it felt flying through the air and how I felt waking up. This all comes rushing back to me especially when I have to clean out my wounds every night and when I wake up in the morning stuck laying down until someone helps me or I am able to sit up after 10-20 minutes of struggling.

A counselor in our stake presidency came to see me today and encouraged me to work on forgiving the driver of the car, which honestly is something I have not been thinking much about. She hasn't made any attempt to even contact me and showed absolutely no remorse or concern at the scene of the accident. I play along when people tell me that she must be sorry and that she must have been concerned, but all she seemed concerned about was that this accident was an inconvenience to her day. Please excuse me for rightfully and lawfully crossing the street to start out my day, how dare I! And how dare someone be in the crosswalk while you NEED to speed through there (she was going the speed limit, but while there's a person in the crosswalk, going any speed is speeding). Forgiving this girl is going to be very hard for me, because from what it looks like, she had to have been distracted for a prolonged period of time, not just for a second, because she would have had to see me crossing the first half of the street. How can someone be so self-absorbed that they can't even pay attention and consider the safety of those around them? That is something I'm always aware of when I drive. My first concern is safety when I drive, not whether I receive a "very important" text message while I'm driving.

Right now, little things hurt a lot to me. I'm very hurt right now from very small things that in any other situation would not upset me. All that I can assume from some people is that they really don't care that I could have died and they don't care that I'm hurting physically and emotionally and that maybe breaking promises right now is not the best thing because right now I just can't handle it. If you're not going to do something, then don't say that you will, get my hopes up, and let me be crushed, because I can't handle that right now. I just can't...

Thankful

Ok, so I know I just wrote about how I survived a car crash yesterday (and if you are reading this without reading that last post, shame on you because that one is the most exciting thing I've posted and you need to read it!) I've been thinking about how thankful I am for everything. I talked to a girl Annalisa that witnessed the accident and she filled in some holes for me. These next couple things are things that for the most part I do not remember for whatever reason. Annalisa saw the car coming towards me, and I tried to get out of the way and instinctively put my hands out in front of me while I did. This was important because it put me on the passenger side of the car instead of directly in the center of the car, and probably saved my life. My knee took out the passenger side headlight first, the impact threw me onto the hood and then into the windshield. My right shoulder hit the windshield first and I flipped over and fell off the car by the driver's side door. In addition, I did not hit my head throughout the entire accident somehow (I'm still not sure how I avoided that). The only head injuries I sustained was a very shallow scrape on my right side and a small chunk of hair was pulled out. Annalisa was right there after the car stopped and apparently I tried to get up but she wouldn't let me (thanks Annalisa). The rest of the accident info, you got from the last blog post. My point to adding the additional information is to not forget any of this and to show that a couple of small hops out of the way probably saved my life. Out of small and simple things do great things come to pass. This saying is very real to me right now.

That just has to do with the accident. I am also thankful for many things that happened post-accident. I received great care from witnesses of the accident and had my roommates/best friends with me the entire time. The EMTs, people at the hospital, and the police officers that were there were very helpful and did their jobs very well. I was lucky to be the only patient in the E.R. at the time, because that meant that I got a lot of attention from the staff and therefore the best care possible. My bishop and his counselor were there at the hospital waiting for me and gave me a blessing as soon as I got home. I am so thankful for that because I believe in the power of priesthood blessings. I had so many people come by and visit me to see if I was okay, and that made me so happy to know that there are people out there who care about me. I got so many inquiries about my state on facebook and via text message and phone calls. I felt so loved that people were so concerned about me. I even got a get well flower arrangement from my parents and an offer from my dad to drive up here. Speaking of those that love me, I have wonderful roommates. I gave them quite a scare, and they were there for me the whole time. They were at the scene of the accident as soon as they heard what happened and then they immediately went to the hospital (one of them riding in the ambulance with me). The one that rode in the ambulance with me was there in my ER room until they took me away for x-rays and even though she thinks she wasn't doing a good job of comforting me, she really did. I was so much less scared because she was there. My roommates took me home from the hospital and immediately got to work taking care of me: elevating my knee adjusting my pillows. One stayed with me while the other two went and got me food from McDonald's and my pain medicine. All day yesterday, they've been answering the door, bringing me food and drink, and helping me go up and down the stairs (a very arduous task fyi), and making sure I was comfortable. They were there supporting me when I had to remove my bandages to clean the wounds and helped me overcome the nausea when I saw my elbow for the first time (deepest cut that I have). They helped me run bath water to make sure the water wasn't too hot and helped me get dressed. My roommate that's a pre-vet major dressed my wounds for me and got me a trashcan because I looked at my elbow again and became nauseous. My other two roommates brought me medicine and water and my laptop and made sure I was ready to go to bed. Today, I woke up this morning and they made me a huge breakfast and brought it to me in bed and provided me with refills of milk. They checked on me every once in awhile, but overall let me sleep. One of my roommates then did me the huge service of washing my hair (I felt so gross with my hair being so gross). She cut two matts out of my hair (last time I brush my hair with asphalt I tell you!) She then put cream in it and braided it so that it wouldn't look crazy. Two of my roommates were then going to go to Family Dollar to take advantage of a sale on Coke for me, but instead helped me go with them so that I could get out of the house and move around like the nurse suggested. The trip didn't last too long because I got too tired and hot, but they brought me home even though they still wanted to stay out. My other roommate that didn't go with us was having a really rough day and still helped me out by staying in the living room with me and just talking to me. My roommates then made and served dinner to me. I don't know if you can tell, but I have the most awesome roommates ever. I'm so grateful for them. I think I would be breaking down crying every few minutes if I didn't have them to take care of me (especially trying to make it up to the stairs to the bathroom, the stairs are my enemy!)

My very long winded point is that I have a lot to be grateful for. I know that my Heavenly Father has been watching over me throughout this whole experience and I know that He will continue to watch over me. Thank you so much to everyone who has helped me in anyway (even just talking to me on facebook, because I've been really bored!)

Here's the story of how I got hit by a car the day after my birthday!

Ok, so everyone is asking me questions and is probably begging for more, so here's the whole story, or at least everything I know of it.

I left my apartment at 7:30 am on my way to the library to print out lab reports for chemistry lab that morning. I crossed the crosswalk in front of my apartment (from Snowview to the Snow building, I have no idea what road that is). FYI, I always hit the button to light up the flashing lights for the crosswalk because I've been really friggen paranoid about being run over ever since I arrived in Rexburg, and for good reason obviously. The entire time I crossed, I had my phone put away (new laws about phones in crosswalks) and looking back and forth the entire time, as is my routine for crossing. I mention this bluntly so that it is clear that I did everything I could to prevent from being hit. FYI, as I'm writing this, everything that happened is seeming more and more surreal. I had gotten to the second side of the street and looked and all of a sudden saw the car right there. Next thing I knew I was upside down and then waking up on the street. I don't know if I blacked out or if my mind is blocking things out from my memory. When I woke up, there was a red headed guy kneeling over me (and later told me he put his jacket under my head. I was too distracted to notice.) There was another guy that turned out to be a nursing student taking my vitals and making sure I had feeling in my limbs. I could have sworn I was dreaming, and I kept asking if I was. Then Allana from our relief society presidency ran over to me (also a nursing student) and was asking me questions to test my mental ability (I was fine) then she went to get my roommates. I heard the ambulance on the way and my roommate Rachel C ran out and tried to get to me but some guy was holding her back to which she responded "THAT'S MY ROOMMATE" I tried to help, but all I could say was, "Rachel...." kind of quietly. I caught a quick glimpse of the driver while I was waiting for the ambulance. Later when I thought about it, I was very disappointed that she didn't seem concerned about me at all. I'm still kind of ticked about it. I also caught a glimpse of someone who turned out to be the mayor of Rexburg. The ambulance loaded me in and they are asking me all these questions and all I could say was "I hurt all over, but my knee HURTS REALLY BAD!!!" I didn't get pain medicine till we were at the hospital (not really a long time, but it sure felt like it). We arrived at Madison Memorial Hospital in Rexburg, and as I found out later, I was the first patient in the E.R. and the only one until I got released. They took me in, checked my vitals again, got my info and took me in for x-rays. The x-ray technician had a heck of a time getting my necklace off because of the board and neck splint that I was attached to. I had no broken bones(they pretty much x-rayed everything). They left me alone in the x-ray room for a few minutes, and in those few minutes I realized how lucky I was to be conscious, mentally stable, and to have no broken bones. I shed a few tears and thanked God. They wheeled me back into my ER room and finally removed me from the board and neck splint. Those things are really uncomfortable fyi. So they had an officer come in and take pictures of my injuries and asked me a few questions. He also shared a story with me about how another girl my age was drunk and walking on the highway and was hit by a car going 65 mph. The only reason she was still alive was because she was drunk (it had something to do with her body not tensing up because of the alcohol). However, she had a broken neck and was near death. I felt sorry that he had to see two accidents similar to each other within the same two days. Once again, I knew how lucky I was. Another officer then came in and took a statement from me and informed me that the driver was already being fined with failing to yield to a pedestrian and they were doing a further investigation. I was told later by people who witnessed the accident that the driver was on a cell phone and the police officer there suspected she was under the influence of either alcohol or drugs and wanted to draw her blood (I haven't heard any conclusive results on either detail). The nurse (she was really awesome by the way) came in and cleaned up and dressed my wounds. She then wheeled me over to a bathroom and I saw my hair for the first time (I was a little scared). Side detail that i didn't even think about till I saw it. Anyway, the nurse gave me a prescription for vicodin, some heavy duty antibacterial cream, stuff to dress my wounds, crutches, and a business card for an orthopedic specialist to see for my knee. When I was released my roommates, and my bishop and one of his counselors were waiting for me. They followed us back to the house and gave me a blessing (so thankful for that). I've been doing nothing pretty much all day except receiving visitors (gladly by the way). The relief society presidency, my home teachers, two girls from my ward, and the ward executive secretary (who happened to be doing a project on safety, so I did an interview with him for his project). I came home to a note from my dear friend Alex Walker, who happened to see me lying on the concrete on her way to class. Most recently, I have a friend Rachel over from my former apartment complex. She brought pizza and movies to watch. Hopefully later, I'll see one of the girls that was right there when the accident happened, and is a little shaken by it (I want to prove to her that I'm alive). Anyway, that's been my day. Right now I'm fine if I don't move too much, but if I have to get up for something, it's very painful (I almost cried the last time). It doesn't help that we live in a two story apartment. Oh, and I had a visit from the guy that gave me his jacket to put my head under and woke up to. It was so great to see him and thank him for his help. I'm so grateful for everyone that was there helping, or even that just witnessed it to help with the investigation. I'm hoping to be able to go to classes on Tuesday but we'll see. I, again, repeat what I said on facebook: I'm up to visitors and would love it actually. Here's the story! More updates later I guess!

I want...

1. To cry my eyes out
2. To punch a hole in the wall
3. For my hard work at school to pay off in the form of good grades
4. For him to care
5. For my ovary to stop hurting!!!
6. To stop being so hot (temperature, fyi)
7. To be home and to see my family, friends, and dogs.
8. To know that everything will work out.
9. All the time in the world to read everything and anything I want.
10.To handle stress better.
11.To be as carefree as I used to be.
12.For people to take me seriously.
13.To be motivated to eat healthy and exercise.
14.To be more motivated to study right now.

New Testament Assignment (sorry it's wonky, I'm in a hurry!)

Jenifer Wagner
FDREL 211: Section 21
Bro. Hall
25 June 2011

Student choice assignment #9


Destruction of the temple in Jerusalem (JS-M 1:5-20)
The Second Coming of Jesus Christ (JS-M 1:21-55)
Events to Occur
1. Many claiming to be of Christ, but are not. (6)
2. Many offenses, betrayals, and much hatred (8).
3. False prophets will deceive many (9)
4. Iniquity will abound and the love of many will turn cold (10)
5. Great tribulation on the Jews and upon the inhabitants of Jerusalem (18)
1. Tribulation in Jerusalem (21).
2. False Christs and false prophets that will show deceptive but, great signs and wonders (22).
3. Wars and rumors of wars (23).
4. Nation rising up against nation, kingdom rising up against kingdom (29).
5. Pestilances, earthquakes, and famines in divers places (29).
6. Iniquity shall abound (30).
7. The love of man will wax cold (30).
8. The gospel will be preached to the whole world (31).
9. The wicked will be destroyed (31).
10. The sun and moon will darken and the stars will fall from heaven (33).
11. Heaven and earth shall pass away, but the Lord's word shall not (35).
12. Weeping and gnashing of teeth (54).
13. The wicked will be cut off from the righteous before the end of the earth (55).

Promises to the righteous
1. Shall be saved (11)
2. See the destruction but will continue to stand in holy places (12).
1. Many of the very elect will be deceived (22).
2. They will be gathered for the second coming (27).
3. Those who treasure His word shall not be deceived (37).


2.Those who are righteous “need not fear; for thus saith the prophet, they shall be saved, even if it so be as by fire (1 Nephi 22:17).” The Lord, “will not suffer that the wicked shall destroy the righteous (1 Nephi 22:16).” Nephi also tells us in 1 Nephi 22:20 that “the Lord will surely prepare a way for his people” which would fulfill the words of the prophet Moses. In addition, more modern revelation given to the prophet Joseph Smith in Doctrine and Covenants section 97, verse 25 states, “Nevertheless, Zion shall escape if she observe to do all things whatsoever I have commanded her.”

My New Testament Assignment (I really like this one)

So this is a post of one of my New Testament assignments. The assignment was to write out the important events the last week of Christ's life. I got my info from the New Testament Institute Manual, fyi. So here it is:

Day 1: Jesus rode through Jerusalem and the people cried Hosanna to Him.

Day 2: Challenged the Jewish religious leadership by calling everyone out on exchanging money in the temple.

Day 3: Christ was challenged by the Jewish priests and responded by sharing parables that didn't exactly make them happy. He called out the scribes and the Pharisees for being hypocrites. Christ only taught the twelve from that day forward. The plot to kill Jesus began to be planned. Judas Iscariot offered to help betray Christ.

Day 4: Jesus knew of the plot against his life. None of the gospel recorders recorded anything for this day.

Day 5: The last supper, the introduction of the sacrament, the suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, Judas' betrayal, Christ's arrest and illegal trial all happened on that day.

Day 6: Christ was charged with blasphemy and with sedition against the state. Pontius Pilate found Jesus guiltless on both charges but charged Him with them anyway to appease the citizens. Christ was tortured and crucified (which is also torture on the body). He died and was taken down from the cross and placed in the tomb.

Day 7: The Jewish Sabbath. Christ's body remained in the tomb but his spirit taught the dead.

Day of the Resurrection: Christ was resurrected and emerged from the tomb.

This is one where I ramble a lot. Fasten your seatbelts, because it may be difficult to follow.

I blocked my first person on here. Not because they were doing anything bad necessarily, but I put on here some pretty personal stuff that I don't want some people to know. If you are reading my blog, then I trust you. This particular person is really trying to prematurely get inside my head when I really don't want them there. Anyway, I just thought it was interesting that even though this person is a friend of mine, I still don't feel comfortable with them knowing everything I put on here. It is 1:15 am...I didn't feel like going to bed before but now I'm debating. I'm really tired but I'm also really hungry. I don't normally stay up this late, but tonight seemed as good of a night as any to stay up insanely late. This weekend is going to be awesome mainly because I bought a red velvet mini cake at Broulim's today. I am in love with red velvet cake. There's still 2/3 of it left. 1/3 for each day :D. I can't wait to be on summer break. I love school, don't get me wrong, but everyone needs a break every once in awhile (like 7 weeks out of the year for example?) I'm looking forward to a lot of sunbathing, and fun mischief making. I'm really looking forward to being able to hang out with my dogs all day too. They love sunbathing as well :). Well, I think a lack of sleep is giving me a headache. I'm going to suppress the hunger and go to bed.

New Testament Assignment!

As I have said with my other new testament assignments, please excuse me if there is any confusion due to lack of context. I don't really know how to add detailed context to this without being long winded. This assignment, we were supposed to read assigned parables and pick a principle to be learned from each one. Here's mine:


1. Luke 16:1-12: The principle to be learned from this parable is preparation for the future.

2. Luke 16:19-31: The principle that I got from this parable is that those who suffer in this life can be made whole again in the next life.

3. Luke 17:11-19: The principle to be learned here is that the gospel is for everyone because we are all God's children. Another principle demonstrated was the importance of giving thanks to God.

4. Luke 18:1-8: The principle to be learned here is that God listens to us always and that His ways are not the ways of the world.

5. Luke 18:9-14: I think a principle to be found in here is to stay away from arrogance and to always be humble.

You know, I become more of a cynic as the days go by. (warning: whining ahead).

Yup, this is a whiny post. Don't read any further if you don't want to hear me whine. I just really need to get the whining out, otherwise some sort of disaster will occur. I have such a headache from overthinking and overanalyzing. I've come to the conclusion that I have this particular belief even though every day so far has taught me that it isn't true. I don't know why I keep believing that I will one day find someone that I will fall in love with and stay in love with. I keep on believing that even though I've been taught that no matter what I do, I can't even get a date to save my life (which is where this is all supposed to start). I've been taught by experience that there's always a "bigger fish" (leave it to me to relate Star Wars to my non-existent love life. Figures.) You know what I mean by bigger fish right? That girl that usually is a lot prettier but a lot more dumb that always gets the guy you want? There are times where I try really hard, but it never gets me anywhere. Sometimes I try to cool it and let the guy come to me. That definitely never works. I try a little harder (sometimes a lot harder) to look nicer, and that will occasionally earn me some temporary notice that eventually leads to nowhere. Sometimes I veil my intelligence and that'll work for awhile until I slip up. Sometimes I accentuate that I love learning and reveal how much of a nerd I am. That automatically earns me a place in the "friend to ask for help on homework". Overall, I go for the confidence thing (which is real most of the time, but I fake it sometimes. Fake it till you make it), and again, it's proved ineffective. I don't get it! I'm also tired of people mentioning that I'm so pretty that I must have the boys lined up at the door. Excuse me? I hate this because it's exactly the opposite. If I am so pretty then what's the problem? Maybe I might be, but it's always more than that. I never completely change my personality for someone and I won't. I refuse. I also refuse to marry a guy just because he likes me. I could have done that. I've had someone tell me that it doesn't matter who I marry as long as he's a worthy priesthood holder, blah blah blah. But it matters to me. I'm not going to spend eternity with someone that I feel lukewarm about. What is that crap about? I mean, I was with a guy that was the "perfect Peter priesthood" type guy and I would have shot myself in the head if I married him. Him being a very worthy priesthood holder did not automatically make him marriage material in my mind. I realized, that I didn't really like his personality at all. I was only with him because I so badly wanted a relationship and he was crazy for me (sorry kid!). It sounds like I'm being too picky right? Well to your dismay, that was the first relationship I had in 4 years. And it sucked. Not to mention, I don't think it can be considered pickiness when there aren't any choices to begin with. I'm not trying to do a "poor me" thing here, but it's pretty darn frustrating, especially being at a school where everyone's getting married, encouraging marriage, popping out babies galore. And it seems that I can do nothing about this, because, without fail, every guy that has shown interest in me has turned out to be a creep. If I'm so "nice" and so "pretty" then why the heck do non-creepy guys stay away?? By the way, this was not triggered by anything in particular, I just happened to wake up from a nap thinking about this (strangest thing). What tops this whole frustration off is that I want more than anything to find that person I'm supposed to be with, so this isn't something I can just give up. I'd like to, just to save myself the grief, but I know that I won't. I just want someone who cares and someone who finds learning about the world to be just as fascinating as I do. Someone who believes in helping people out and who believes that everyone deserves forgiveness. I don't want a patriarchal type relationship where the guy believes that because he's the guy he gets to control me and everything else as well. I'm too much of an independent person to be controlled. It's the worst thing. Well, I guess I'm done here. I feel somewhat better, and then I remember that no one gives a crap anyway. Oh well, I guess this is where numbness sets in. Then I'll fall asleep and wake up in the morning feeling better. How wonderful.

New Testament Homework...again

Please excuse any confusion that may come from posting this. I'm simply doing this blog post to fulfill the requirement of sharing my student choice assignment in my New Testament class. Basically, my assignment was on parables. The first part is a definition of a parable in my own words. The second part is different parables and questions that they answer (I did not make the questions that they answer up by the way, that was from the assignment). The third part answers a couple questions about sacrifice for maintaining membership in the church and the meaning of the parable talked about in Matthew 13:47-50. So here's the copy/past version!

Jenifer Wagner
FDREL 211: Section 21
Bro. Hall
14 May 2011

Student Choice Activity #2

1. A parable is a story told to teach a lesson. A lesson would be taught this way by Christ because some people were not ready to hear the fullness of the gospel and so they could still learn something from the parable and not be held as accountable for what they heard. At the same time, those who were ready to know the mysteries of the gospel would find deep meaning in the parables taught by Christ. A parable relates an eternal truth to something in the temporal world that the general population would understand. It's a complex and extended analogy.

2. Parable of the Tares (Matthew 13:24-30): Why does the Church send out so many missionaries?
Parable of the Mustard Seed and Leaven (Matthew 13:31-33): How do you explain the remarkable growth of the Church, considering it is fairly new compared to most world religions and started small in the American frontier?
Parables of the treasure and the pearl of great price (Matthew 13:44-46): Why are some members of the church willing to sacrifice so much worldly wealth and recognition in order to maintain membership in the church?
Parable of the Gospel Net (Matthew 13:47-50): What describes the future growth of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?

3. At one point, when I first decided I wanted to be baptized, I was willing to risk my parents not being happy with me joining the church. That was the case at first; when I told them I wanted to be baptized, they did not like it and tried to push me to go to Catholic youth group and decided to start attending mass regularly. Fortunately for me and them, I was too stubborn to listen. I decided that the truth was more important than making things easier for myself at home. I'm glad that things happened the way that they did because my parents got baptized 2 months after I did. When we are willing to make sacrifices for the truth, God will bless us.
I'm not sure if I'm correct on this or not so here it goes. The net represents being a member of the church. Being gathered in the net is becoming baptized. Those who are cast out are those who have denied the truth after accepting it. Those who were good and were gathered into vessels endured to the end. The significance of this is that those who are bad are cast out and those who are good are gathered to the celestial kingdom.

I hate...

I hate that I put myself under so much pressure. I hate that I feel that I can't at all control the pressure I put myself under. I hate that other people can do everything I want to do like take an insane amount of credits and hold a job and still get good grades and get by on little to no sleep. I hate that some people seem to have it so easy. I hate that I have things so easy and yet everything seems so difficult. I hate that it seems like my whole life is going to be me chugging along through everything stopping to have a quasi-mental breakdown every once in awhile. Why do they tell us in church to strive so much for perfection when we can't obtain it? It's too much pressure, I can't be anywhere near perfect. I've been trying for so long but I just feel so inadequate. I keep asking myself if everything I'm doing is worth it, if I'm actually going to succeed in life. Am I going to get good grades the rest of my undergrad career? Am I going to succeed in grad school? Will I have the career that I dream of? Will I actually meet that guy I'm supposed to marry someday? Will I have children of my own? Will I be happy one day? I like to think that I'm happy, but I can't stop the inadequacy. Other people do it all flawlessly, why can't I? I hate feeling so stupid all the time, I just wish it would go away...

New Testament Assignment

I chose to put my student choice activity for my New Testament class in my blog. It's an outline detailing different people mentioned in the gospels of the New Testament and how they knew about Christ, what they knew, and what they did with their knowledge. I included scripture references to look up (except the last one). If anything is wrong or vague, then sorry!!

Jenifer Wagner

FDREL 211: Section 21

Brother Hall

23 April 2011

Student Choice Activity # 4

There was no way to download the chart, so I'll just type everything in a non-chart form.

1. Elisabeth (Luke 1:39-45)

   1. How she learned about the Savior

      1. Mary talked to her and the Holy Ghost testified to Elizabeth

   2. What she knew about the Savior

      1. She knew that Mary was the mother of the Savior. She knew that the baby that Mary carried was blessed.

   3. What she did with her knowledge

      1. She testified.

2. Shepherds (Luke 2:8-18)

   1. How they learned about the Savior

      1. An angel appeared to them

   2. What they knew about the Savior

      1. He's in the city of David, he is the Savior, he is Christ the Lord, a babe in swaddling clothes and laying in a manger.

   3. What they did with their knowledge

      1. They went to see the baby Jesus and then traveled to tell people everywhere about the birth of the Savior.

3. Simeon (Luke 2:25-35)

   1. How he learned about the Savior

      1. He knew that he would not die before seeing the Savior

   2. What he knew about the Savior

      1. Christ is the Lord's salvation to us, Christ is a light to all people.

   3. What he did with his knowledge

      1. Blessed Jesus, Mary, and Joseph and then prophesied to them.

4. Anna (Luke 2:36-38)

   1. How she learned about the Savior

      1. She's a prophetess, but it doesn't say exactly how she knew about the Savior

   2. What she knew about the Savior

      1. Probably a lot, but it doesn't say anything specific

   3. What she did with her knowledge

      1. Departed not from the temple, fasted and prayed, gave thanks to the Lord, spoke of the Lord to other people.

5. Wise Men (Matthew 2:1-12)

   1. How they learned about the Savior

      1. Saw the star in the east and knew it was a sign of the Savior's birth

   2. What they knew about the Savior

      1. The star in the east was a sign of His birth, Christ was the King of the Jews

   3. What they did with their knowledge

      1. Went to worship him, brought the Savior gold, frankincense, and myrrh

6. Herod (Matthew 2:1-18)

   1. How he learned about the Savior

      1. The wise men told him

   2. What he knew about the Savior

      1. That he should be troubled by the Savior's birth,

   3. What he did with his knowledge

      1. Tried to find Christ so that Herod could kill him

7. Chief Priests (Matthew 2:1-6)

   1. How they learned about the Savior

      1. They read the writings of a prophet

   2. What they knew about the Savior

      1. That He was in Bethlehem

   3. What they did with their knowledge

      1. They told Herod

8. Nephites (3 Nephi 1:12-22)

   1. How they learned about the Savior

      1. The voice of the Lord told them and prophets also had testified of it for years

   2. What they knew about the Savior

      1. The Savior would appear to them soon, and whatever else the prophets told them

   3. What they did with their knowledge

      1. Fell to the earth in astonishment, some fell to the increased temptations from Satan, others were converted unto the Lord

9. Me (Not in the scriptures)

   1. How did I learn about the Savior

      1. I was raised knowing that Christ died for our sins and that he loves everyone. I gained a fuller knowledge of this when a friend of mine brought me to church when we were in high school and eventually I was baptized.

   2. What do I know about the Savior

      1. I know that he loves each person that has ever existed on this earth and I know that the Atonement can cover every pain and weakness that we can ever have if we let it. I know that accepting Christ's atonement is crucial in following the plan of salvation.

   3. What I did with my knowledge

      1. I was baptized into the church and from then on, I've been working to be a great disciple of Christ.

This is what all the fuss is about

I am really worked up about this, which is why I'm posting about it. This is my ranting place and just as a warning, I will be covering topics that involve the ridiculousness, idiocy, and ignorance of certain human beings that I have been cursed to have known my whole life. Anyway, my "aunt" (that's what she technically is to me, but I don't consider her family by any means) got a facebook account so she's a real big shot now. She posted a note that was very insulting towards my mother and I. More so towards her, but that makes me angrier. Here it is:

You know its amazing the stuff people will write on here! It also blows me away that someone who spends 90% of their life screwing with someone would write that they are tired of people screwing with them!!!!! Not to mention that someone God himself decided to make infertile because they wern't qualified to be a parent would then decide to BUY a child anyway and think that that makes them qualified to tell someone else how to raise theirs. Small wonder that the kid that was bought decided to go several states away and change religions JUST TO GET AWAY FROM THE CRAZIES!!!!

You know what, I don't care what you believe in religion wise, but this woman can not actually know God very well if she believes anything she just wrote. For one thing, it's plain ridiculous to assume that someone did something so terrible that they would be cursed with infertility as a punishment (seriously, no matter what you believe, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY). Another thing, even if that were possible, um, my mom? Seriously, the one who couldn't hurt a mouse or hoard or ants? My mother, the ultimate mother (she plays mom to many many people) and does a stinkin good job at it. I am not claiming my mom has been perfect her whole life, but her out of all people couldn't and didn't do something so bad to deserve infertility. And by the way, my mom not qualified to be a parent? Seriously? My mom takes care of children for a living! She is the mecca of information for motherhood! Sure, I'm her only real child, but she mothers everyone! And if my mom was so unqualified to be a mother, why was my aunt willing to act as a surrogate mother for my parents right before I was adopted. Yeah...your story is a little incongruent there.

Ok, another thing, apparently adoption=sale? Seriously? Does she even know the story of my adoption? I'm lucky to actually know the story behind it. My biological parents were unmarried adults, 20 & 22. They conceived a child out of wedlock, a crime in each of their families punishable by disownment (no joke). My biological mom was a chemist in the air force (at least until they moved her for my own safety) and my biological dad worked for my adoptive dad in missile maintenance. This wasn't some sort of shady backdoor deal. It was an act of service for all parties. I've thought about it, and if my biological parents had kept me, I wouldn't know any family. I wouldn't know grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. That would be terrible. It's even more terrible than having family members shun and slander you.

Oh and yes. I did in fact change religions and attend BYUI to get away from my crazy parents who I love (seriously?). You know what? They changed religions too (gasp!). Right after I did. I was baptized September 16, 2007 and they were baptized November 10, 2007. It was the best decision I've ever made and it's brought me closer to my parents. I don't care how much the rest of my family hates the church and tries to slander us. It doesn't make me lose faith in the least. Nice try, but no cigar!

Anyway, I've been really needing to get everything out. This has all been building up and it finally bubbled over in me tonight when I read that note. I guess that's why she friend requested me on facebook. To make sure I saw her petulant little note. A middle aged woman has nothing better to do than slander her niece and sister in law? Seriously, get a life! Anyway, it irks me that she is a child of God and that she acts this way. She is God's child and she goes around trying to tear God's other children down too. I can't wrap my head around it.

In conclusion, this is why I've been going bananas all night. I can't believe so much energy and emotion was wasted on her. She hasn't meant anything to me for a long time, but I guess she still knows where the sore spots are. That facebook note was definitely cowardly and below the belt. I'm not on here to slander her, but simply to vent about what happened. It hurt. I do care about my own feelings, but I care whether the rest of my family is alright first. What's even more sucky about this is that we've really been trying to stay away from all of them more than ever lately because they've been so nasty towards us. It's sad on her part because there was absolutely nothing to provoke this. I guess she's just bitter over something and doesn't have anything else to think about.

Anyway, I'm done for now. Anyone wants to talk to me about it, let me know!