I'm supposed to be studying for finals...

...but I can't stop thinking about it. Today a friend of mine's husband was deployed to the middle east. I've known about the war for awhile now. But, it's been made so much more personal today that the loved one of someone that I'm friends with is on his way over there right now. I'm really scared. I don't even know him, but I'm scared for him and her and their daughter. I'm scared for what our world is turning into. I support our soldiers that go over there and consider them heroes for giving up so much to fight for our country. But, I honestly don't know what we are doing over there anymore. What is our purpose? At the same time I ask, what would happen if we were to all of a sudden bail out. Would there be more attacks? I read that Stockholm was attacked today. The entire world it seems like is being affected by these people that just hate everyone it seems. It's scary for me. I can't stop thinking about what may happen next. How many more are going to have to die for our country? How long is this going to go on? What will come of it? When will it stop being scary? I realize that this has been going on for 9 years now. That is almost half of my lifetime. For the most part, it's all I have ever known. Who knew that when I met this friend of mine 8 years ago, that her future husband would be going over to the middle east and fighting for us?

Random thoughts that I want (need?) to get out

I've had an interesting week...well weekend. It was spirit conference this weekend. For those of you who don't know what that is (probably everyone) it's a 2 day period in which council, mentors, and volunteers of the Get Connected program at BYUI meet and prepare for the upcoming Get Connected. Get Connected is a 2-3 long program designed to welcome new students to the school, and it's an amazing program. I have been so spiritually fed this weekend, and frankly my mind is full. Spirit conference didn't start out very well for me, because I had a fever and a headache when I went on Friday (after a day long search for my Tylenol, I had no luck finding it until after my headache and fever were gone, today). So for the first half, I was completely faking it. I was faking being excited and doing my best to help the people out in my mentor group. I have no idea if the people in my group believed it. I was trying, but I was feeling like crap most of the night. The next day, I heard everyone talking about how they left spirit conference on Friday and they felt so spiritually high. When I left spirit conference on Friday, I was 1. Tired beyond belief and 2.Upset (in this case, I mean a combo of angry, frustrated, and sad). The reason for me being tired was mentioned earlier. I was upset because I had this feeling that I was assigned to a certain person for spirit conference and get connected because I was some sort of project or something. It's the way this person interacts with me. It's like they treat me like they are a teacher and I am a student or something. Laying on compliments and encouragements unnaturally thick. I'm not saying that I don't need help or anything, but I don't like feeling like any person is nice to me because they are told to. I would rather someone be nice to me because they want to. This upset me a lot because before tonight, I was under the impression that this person wanted to be my friend and I left that night thinking that they saw me as someone beneath them and was acting like my friend because they were told to. I'm still a little baffled by this, and very disappointed. Nevertheless, after only 5 hours of sleep, I returned to get connected really pumped and ready to go. I had no idea I could be so energetic at 6:30 in the morning, quite honestly. I called up all of my volunteers in my mentor group for their wake up calls by singing "Good Morning" from Singing in the Rain. I was excited for the day to come because I knew from the previous spirit conference that I attended that it was going to be a day of learning and revelation. I was most excited for the spirit challenge. The spirit challenge is an amazing thing. We led the volunteers blindfolded to the lower fields and left them alone, away from each other. Loud music and depressing newscasts were played on one end, while the voices of the prophets were quietly played, while gradually being turned up. The goal of the volunteers (which they weren't told) was to follow the prophet's voice and find the rope and follow it home. Meanwhile, the mentors and council members played angels and devils, either encouraging and guiding in the right direction or discouraging and misleading. The last time I did the spirit challenge, I was a volunteer, and it was scary. It was interesting to see it from the view of a tempter. I went around saying discouraging things to the volunteers and tried to lead them away from the rope ( ex: "You aren't worth it" "It's too hard for you to do" "You won't be forgiven" "I'm your friend come with me"). There were one or two people who actually let me lead them away from the rope and listened to me. One person in my group took a swing at me after I told her "They'll never forgive you". She missed, by the way. I was very happy when the volunteers didn't listen to me. I started tempting a person that I knew, and he kept charging in the direction of the rope, not even paying attention to me. It made me so happy to see such strong people. This also led to something else that was very awesome. One of the goals my partner and I made was to encourage two people who were partners to work more together. I don't remember doing anything specific, but by the end of the day, they were telling me how during the spirit challenge they were helping each other up this large hill, and it really touched me. They stuck together after that. It was amazing.

So I don't know if you caught on, but the spirit challenge is supposed to resemble Lehi's vision. It's amazing the things that I hear that people learned from it. One person in my group (the same one who took a swing at me) made it to the top before most people from our group. By the time I was done tempting and at the top, I found her and she was sobbing profusely. I asked her what was wrong, if she was hurt, and she said that no one else from our group was up here yet. She kept watching the people that hadn't figured it out yet wander around without direction, and it upset her so much. It makes me think of how people in the spirit world must feel. They are home and they have the truth, and meanwhile they are watching so many people wander around and give in to temptation.

This weekend meant a lot to me, and I hope that I had some sort of impact on those that I was supposed to teach. They seemed to like my partner a lot more than me, but I hope that I was still able to help them.

So much thinking...

I want to do so much right now!!!! I can't decide what it is that I want to do with my life right now. I want to study so much in college. I want to study English, Sociology, Psychology, Biology, Foreign languages, international studies, social work, philosophy, ancient languages, history, anthropology, archaeology, music, I want to know so much!!! I have no idea how to fit this all in. I also want to go into the Air Force, and open an animal shelter one day. I want to travel the world. I want to write a book and have it published. I want to have a family. I have no idea how I can do all of this. If anyone has any ideas on how I can achieve all of this, or has a time turner that I can use, that would be awesome!

Home

I look forward to coming home whenever I get the chance. Coming home for Thanksgiving happened to be an extra thing for this year, and I was really happy that I didn't have to wait longer to come home to see everyone. I was the most excited to see my dogs. They are the lights of my life and I love them. Coming home to them was almost surreal. I forgot what life had been like with them. I was very excited to see my friends. I've missed everyone in the branch so much. I loved being welcomed back whenever I come home. I don't even get so much as a hello when I walk into my Rexburg ward's sacrament meeting. When I come home, I get hugs and a sense of excitement. As I was preparing to come home, I was thinking about all the things I was excited to come home for. I realized that I was only a little bit excited to see my parents. I couldn't figure out why exactly. I wasn't mad at them, and my mom had been doing a good job of not calling me all the time. They are wonderful to me. I haven't been able to find a job, so they've been helping me with groceries. I couldn't understand why I was dreading seeing them (which is an issue, considering that I live at their house whenever I am home). I finally realized it tonight. They have to argue about everything. In front of me on top of that. They don't care if I hear their petty little screaming matches over things so trivial as a flag (seriously?). I don't like that. I don't like that they blame the dogs for doing things that dogs naturally do (such as barking when they hear a noise, it's their natural protective instinct). I don't like that they yell at each other over who's turn it is to let the dogs out (fyi, if you stopped giving them a dog biscuit every time you let them outside, they would not feel the need to go out as often, thus eliminating about 5 screaming matches a night). Honestly, I know that there are a lot worse things than them screaming at each other, but it almost seems that sometimes they argue in front of me so that I can pick a side for them instead of having them work it out. Almost like they want me to solve everything. This relationship with my parents is difficult. I don't like always being the problem solver. I don't like being caught in the middle. I just wish they would work on resolving their problems and communicate instead of having petty screaming matches. This has been happening for as long as I can remember and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hearing it when I come home, and I'm sick of hearing them complain to me about the other one. It makes me not want to come home. Yet I keep coming back for my dogs and my friends. What the crap? I see absolutely no way out here. I love my dogs and friends too much to not come back when I can. My parents always expect me to come back when I can. How am I supposed to tell them that their behavior towards each other makes me not want to come back?

The most awesome television show ever!

Haha, so Regan and I had a wonderful night of watching movies, and thinking of the best television show ever. Here's how we came up with this. We were watching Signs, and throughout the whole movie we were calling Joaquin Phoenix, Johnny Cash. It came to the part where Mel Gibson was talking to his wife while she was pinned up against the tree and how Johnny Cash should just randomly show up and play a song after she died. Then we decided that when the veterinarian hit Mel Gibson's wife, it was because he saw Johnny Cash and swerved. From there, her last words to Mel Gibson would be "Johnny Cash killed me". We decided that sounded like a soap opera. There would be a soap opera where an old lady is on her death bed and her last words were "Johnny Cash killed me" and no one would understand. And then you would find out that it wasn't the old lady that died, it was the old lady's twin. Or that she could say "JFK killed me" and people would assume she meant John F. Kennedy, when later you find out she meant the next door neighbor, James Francis Kowalski (I don't remember what the original "K" last name was, so I just took a "K" last name from my family). Regan and I decided that this was just too good to not be a television show. So here's the run down:

You have John F. Kennedy living in a house with his Jewish butler, Bill Cosby, who always has an extra chair set out no matter what. Anytime JFK has the cook prepare ham or bacon for supper, it always mysteriously disappears (the butler did it!). John F. Kennedy also hallucinates a lady made out of dog biscuits who is multilingual (Regan) and a man made out of cheese puffs. It is out of respect for John F. Kennedy's hallucinations that no one in the show eats dog biscuits or cheese puffs. On special occasions however, they eat crunchy Cheetos. Meanwhile, you have Abraham Elizabeth Hitler living next door with his Scientologist maid, Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby has split personality in this show. It is here that they listen to aliens speaking in their foreign clicking language over a baby monitor. Later in the show, you find out that the aliens actually speak Spanish, and what the earthlings are hearing is the aliens enjoying Dum Dum lollipops, jaw breakers, and their dentures coming loose. While all of this is going on, the characters periodically pop in on the screenwriter who is a lego-person (that's me) to bribe her for more air time and to bring her snacks.

Regan, let me know if I left anything out. I'm telling you, we must be geniuses to come up with something like this.

For the record, I know I should be sleeping...

Or at least studying for my American Epidemic test tomorrow...but nevertheless, here I am blogging instead. So I had a nice rant fest with Rachel D about a lot of stuff, but mostly about our dating situations. I have come to a conclusion: From my experience, when given the choice between two girls, a guy will choose the dumber of the two. Why this is, I can only guess, but there it is. If this is the case (which I suspect it is) then I have absolutely no chance of ever getting a date because there is no way that I'm going to dumb myself down on purpose. I suppose I shouldn't complain because I do have control over the situation. I suppose I very easily could spend more time on my looks than getting enough sleep or studying. Then my studies would suffer, I wouldn't learn anything, and therefore would not be getting smarter. But am I going to do any of that? No. It's a good thing that you don't die from a lack of a dating life, otherwise I would probably be extinct soon. Darwin would get a kick out of that, I'm sure. There's my rant. That's life I suppose.

A lot of thinking has been done today

Okay, so I've been doing way too much thinking today, and I've been thinking about all the things that I want to say to people but don't feel that I can because it would make things awkward in some way. So here they are, I'm not naming names by the way:

I love our friendship, at least what it used to be. It feels like I can't even talk to/relate to you. It's really sad for me, but I try not to think about it and just keep trying to make it like it was before. I have a terrible, sinking feeling that it's not going to end up working even though I really want it to.

You are a coward and a liar. You are basically the epitome of everything that I see wrong with the world. I've decided that after living with you for a semester, I will be able to handle almost anything.

You are the most wonderful person that I've ever met so far. You have changed my life, and I wish you were in it more.

Stop being so arrogant. It's not attractive like you think it is.

You are a beautiful and wonderful person. Please keep being who you are.

Honestly, why can't more guys be like you? Please keep doing what you are doing.

I wish you could remember who you are. I miss who you used to be. Please come back.

Please stop sending me mixed signals. And I don't think your girlfriend would like you flirting with me half the time.

I miss cuddling with you (this one's to my dog).