I feel like the concept of "the straw that breaks the camel's back" seems to describe my big emotional episodes. I can deal with a lot, but there's always that big, fat, STUPID straw that breaks my back and makes me want to break things. I've suffered a lot of rejection(no, this is not the place where you start comparing yourself to me and talking about how much worse your life is, because this is my blog and on here, it's about me) and I can usually just blow past it and move on. I can't seem to get past this particular instance of serial lying. What, I'm not worth the truth? Or was it the secondary gain he wanted from telling me that he wanted the relationship? He never thought we were compatible and so in the mean time, he's going to use me as someone to make out with. That's all I am really, to him. A mouth and some long legs he liked to stare at. I keep seeing the way he used to look at me and when he looked at me like that, it made me think that he truly cared about me. It was all a lie. Oh, look! I've distracted myself from crying now, finally! Earlier today I actually ran out of tears. I wanted to cry and scream so bad, but there wasn't anything left except for more anguish building up.
The real kicker is that I went into this thinking: "Finally. An honest guy who treats me well. He's different from all the other crappy guys I've dated." Turns out he's just the same as all the others. He puts on his nice guy alter to hide his true identity as a douche bag. I always pride myself on being able to read people so well, and yet, I NEVER SAW THIS COMING. I figured: if this guy is going to break up with me, it's because I did something wrong to screw it up.
I just really wish he was hurting as much as I am right now...
It's also times like these, when I'm feeling like the most lonely person in the world, that I wonder who my true friends are. That usually reveals itself around these kinds of times. Those who don't care decide to leave when times get hard and you need someone to tolerate your fluctuating emotions. It makes me wonder: who's not going to be there for me this time.
He made a comment one time to me when I was going to tell him something I learned in my psychology class, and he interrupted me and told me to stop talking about that, he wasn't interested. I wish I had taken that comment more seriously than I did at the time. I accepted his fake apology for stifling my interest and intellect and moved on. What is it with guys? It seems like all they want is some dumb girl they can dominate and kick around and keep in the kitchen. I mean, I'm not opposed to the wife and mother role, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be uneducated and unable to support myself! Ugh, laptop battery is dying. Oh darn, my crazy ranting is over for the night...
