All is Well

The title says it all.

Why?

Why isn't the fact that he's an all-around amazing guy seem to not be enough?

I'm trying not to freak out...

For some reason, I have not been handling stress very well. Even small things have recently been causing panic attacks...so I'm going to try to vent here to see if I can prevent the one that I feel may be coming on...

1. A certain person who has recently become a huge part of my life. I'm wondering if we're being completely honest with each other. Before he asked me out he told me about how worried he was about finding his eternal companion. I'm sorry but this makes me think that he might be with me because he wants to be married and that's it. That he's just trying to make this work for the sake of getting married and getting it over with. On that note, I'm questioning whether I'm with him partially because recently I've really been wanting a boyfriend. I have no idea though. For some reason I am unable to read my own thoughts and feelings...

2. My family is falling apart. Not my immediate household, but the rest of my family. My grandma isn't in good health and she refuses to take care of herself. It makes me wonder whether she's so depressed that she is trying to make herself die faster. Of course we may never know because if anyone tries to help her, they get shut out.

3. My roommates for next semester. I love them so much, they are my best friends! I just received notice of new healthy eating rules. I want to be healthier, but I'd rather do it on my own terms than someone else's. Even though I know this isn't how the note was meant (or so I hope) I feel like I'm being told what to do and what is going to happen next semester. As many of you know, I do NOT like being told what to do, even though I need it sometimes.

4. I really miss my dogs. I miss them in a huge way that a lot of people probably don't understand. Oh man...here comes the tears...they just make me so happy and whenever I'm stressed out they don't leave my side until I'm okay again. I miss snuggling with them and the greetings from them when I come home, even if I was only outside for a few minutes and come back in. They are happy to see me every time. They mean a lot to me and it's hard not having them here with me.

5. I'm worried about the fact that I've been having panic attacks. Does this mean I'm going crazy? I can't ever stop them when they happen and I hate feeling out of control like that. Why are they happening now? Why are they happening at all? I can't ever make sense of them, because whenever I find something that might be a cause, it's always something minor that I shouldn't be upset about.

I think this helped...I still have a major headache though...

To anyone who cares about the state of my heart...

...because fyi, it's breaking. I know that it's not possible for a heart to just break simply from emotional pain, but that's what it feels like. It's days like this that I'm reminded that I don't come from a family that loves and laughs together (by family I mean outside of myself and my parents). That's how my family used to be. When I was a child, I adored my aunts and uncles and cousins. I especially adored my grandparents. I still cherish the times when my grandpa and I would pretend to be goats. I look back on pictures of my mom, my dad, and all of my mom's siblings and their spouses and just see everyone laughing together and hugging each other. I have been told that the time this all changed was with the passing of my grandfather. This does not make sense to me because I would think this would make everyone cling to each other even more. That is not so. I was too young to have been able to observe what exactly happened to tear everyone apart. All I know is that one of my uncles doesn't speak to anyone in my family, my mom and another uncle are always at each others throats, and well, my other uncle just kind of floats on by (quite literally actually, he works on a boat!). Where are the happy times that I vaguely remember, but have proof of? Why can't we get them back? Why can't we cooperate for someone that we all care about? Why can't we realize that it's not all about us?? Where is a place that pride can be put aside to do what's best? Am I the only one in my family who cares that we aren't a family, but simply people who tolerate each other when necessary. And who occasionally make heated phone calls to over things that aren't our fault? Does anyone else in my family think this is very messed up? Because I think it's a tragedy. I may be the youngest of all of us (besides my cousin's 2 year old of course), but I still remember how we all used to get together for breakfast on Christmas morning and hunt Easter eggs together. Maybe that's the only family we ever really were. Christmas and Easter families. Just like some people who only go to church on Christmas and Easter. Maybe I unknowingly exaggerate memories of my family in my mind. But we've lost even what we used to have. I wish I knew a way to bring everyone back together without me becoming a human sacrifice. I was mostly kidding about that...

One other thing. People, just stop yelling at my mom. Seriously, she has been getting yelled at a lot lately for things that really are not her fault and sometimes have nothing to do with her. I'm seriously tired of it! She's not thick skinned and she's easily upset. Just stop yelling at her! She does her best to be quiet and to do whatever she can to help those around her. Sometimes I think she helps them too much, but she doesn't stop anyway. She's a wonderful lady who should not be getting yelled at. Thanks.

Cravings

I really really really really really really really really really really want a brownie with a side of apple pie ice cream and a custard filled doughnut with a side of Neapolitan ice cream. *Sigh* None for me though, I'm not leaving this house, and I highly doubt any of that is going to magically appear in front of me.

Bucket List

I am supposed to be doing homework right now...but I really don't want to. All this week I've been missing summer time like crazy!!! I want sunshine and the fear of my skin burning every second that I'm outside. I've decided to make a bucket list for when I go home to good 'ol St. Pete. Hopefully, that'll get my mind off of summer and onto homework:

1. Cardinals vs. Cubs game. While wearing either the "It ain't right till it's Wainwright" shirt I plan to buy or the "Yadi's a hottie" shirt I plan to buy. =D

2. Eat Ted Drewe's.

3. See as many Muny shows as possible.

4. Eat at all the places that I cannot while I'm in Rexburg.

5. Elephant Rocks

6. Johnson Shut-Ins

7. STL Zoo

8. City Museum

9. Road trip to see Sister Maynes, the most awesome young women's leader this girl could have ever asked for.

10. Clean out my bedroom at home

11. Six Flags, and while there, get a henna tattoo. =D

12. Bowling with my Oak Valley peeps.

This is all I have so far. I can't wait for summer!!!!!!

Man he's good (bad)!

Oh dear, sometimes Satan really knows how to get to me!!!! He got me good today, and I hate it! I didn't even see it coming and wasn't able to recognize it until just now. So I went to Get Connected expeditions today, which involved me picking out of 3 activities: sledding, snowshoeing, and cross country skiing. I was hoping to go snowshoeing or sledding because I knew from the start that I'd be too uncoordinated for cross country skiing. So I get to the gym and just went to the first table I saw and signed the waiver. I go over to talk to people and discover that the tables are separated by activities and that I just signed up for cross country skiing. My NORMAL reaction to this would be to groan and get over it. Instead for some reason I got majorly upset. I actually started crying!! That is very abnormal for me!!! And I realized that as I was crying. I kept asking myself why am I doing this? I kept on asking myself the entire expedition. Now, I didn't do too bad at cross country skiing, but I wasn't very comfortable with it. But looking back, I think I could have made a much better experience out of it if I wasn't stuck on why I randomly got upset. I think that after awhile, Satan figures out our weaknesses. I think he's figured out that I psychoanalyze myself all the time, and that I don't stop until I figure it out. I've got to say, I'm usually able to realize when he's trying to get to me, but he caught me off guard today. Lesson Learned. Always be on your guard against the adversary. He'll always try to get you when things are going well.

FYI: Things are going very well right now. :) :) :) :) :)