Tonight I had a realization. I believe that I care more about those around me than they do me. I honestly think that a lot of people around me simply tolerate me while I am in interested in their lives and care about them. This isn't to anyone specific...or at least anyone that is following my blog...or I hope that this wouldn't be true of those following my blog. I just feel like this semester, people have pretended to be my friend to make me feel better or because they felt obligated to because they were friends with my roommates. Do you have any idea how terrible that feeling is? It's pretty sad when you are in a place where there are no real friends that you can go see, when you can't talk to anyone about anything that you are feeling because they don't care! It sucks when everyone that comes to your door is there to see your roommates and not you. I'll be glad to be going home to a place where I think that I have people that care about me...
Another thing...I realize that I am unable to show any emotion besides happiness and frustration around anyone. I am unable to let people know that things hurt me. I am unable to let others know that the things that they do or say, or don't do or say hurt me. For example, the fact that I feel that no one cares, its something that's been eating at me for awhile and I started feeling upset so I immediately ran into my room so no one could possibly see me hurt. Why is it so bad for people to know that I'm human? That I hurt just as much when I'm completely alone. I've never allowed myself to let people see me hurt. Everyone else around me can fall apart, and because of that, I'm not allowed to. The very few times I've confessed to anyone that I was hurt, the person that I was talking to only presented me with their problems.
I miss my dogs. Right now they would be laying next to me licking the tears off my face...
hey, i'm sorry you're feeling like this. life in a new place can be hard, especially when you don't really know anyone. believe me, I've been there, my freshman year was kind of like that too. but it gets better and you'll find people you actually like and who actually like you. in the meantime, we can't wait to have you back home! just a couple of more days, woot! and just know there are tons of people who love you (and not just because you're so awesome measuring powdered sugar). so in conclusion... you rock.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sheri, I needed that. And I love making snowstorms in your kitchen! :D
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