You know, I become more of a cynic as the days go by. (warning: whining ahead).

Yup, this is a whiny post. Don't read any further if you don't want to hear me whine. I just really need to get the whining out, otherwise some sort of disaster will occur. I have such a headache from overthinking and overanalyzing. I've come to the conclusion that I have this particular belief even though every day so far has taught me that it isn't true. I don't know why I keep believing that I will one day find someone that I will fall in love with and stay in love with. I keep on believing that even though I've been taught that no matter what I do, I can't even get a date to save my life (which is where this is all supposed to start). I've been taught by experience that there's always a "bigger fish" (leave it to me to relate Star Wars to my non-existent love life. Figures.) You know what I mean by bigger fish right? That girl that usually is a lot prettier but a lot more dumb that always gets the guy you want? There are times where I try really hard, but it never gets me anywhere. Sometimes I try to cool it and let the guy come to me. That definitely never works. I try a little harder (sometimes a lot harder) to look nicer, and that will occasionally earn me some temporary notice that eventually leads to nowhere. Sometimes I veil my intelligence and that'll work for awhile until I slip up. Sometimes I accentuate that I love learning and reveal how much of a nerd I am. That automatically earns me a place in the "friend to ask for help on homework". Overall, I go for the confidence thing (which is real most of the time, but I fake it sometimes. Fake it till you make it), and again, it's proved ineffective. I don't get it! I'm also tired of people mentioning that I'm so pretty that I must have the boys lined up at the door. Excuse me? I hate this because it's exactly the opposite. If I am so pretty then what's the problem? Maybe I might be, but it's always more than that. I never completely change my personality for someone and I won't. I refuse. I also refuse to marry a guy just because he likes me. I could have done that. I've had someone tell me that it doesn't matter who I marry as long as he's a worthy priesthood holder, blah blah blah. But it matters to me. I'm not going to spend eternity with someone that I feel lukewarm about. What is that crap about? I mean, I was with a guy that was the "perfect Peter priesthood" type guy and I would have shot myself in the head if I married him. Him being a very worthy priesthood holder did not automatically make him marriage material in my mind. I realized, that I didn't really like his personality at all. I was only with him because I so badly wanted a relationship and he was crazy for me (sorry kid!). It sounds like I'm being too picky right? Well to your dismay, that was the first relationship I had in 4 years. And it sucked. Not to mention, I don't think it can be considered pickiness when there aren't any choices to begin with. I'm not trying to do a "poor me" thing here, but it's pretty darn frustrating, especially being at a school where everyone's getting married, encouraging marriage, popping out babies galore. And it seems that I can do nothing about this, because, without fail, every guy that has shown interest in me has turned out to be a creep. If I'm so "nice" and so "pretty" then why the heck do non-creepy guys stay away?? By the way, this was not triggered by anything in particular, I just happened to wake up from a nap thinking about this (strangest thing). What tops this whole frustration off is that I want more than anything to find that person I'm supposed to be with, so this isn't something I can just give up. I'd like to, just to save myself the grief, but I know that I won't. I just want someone who cares and someone who finds learning about the world to be just as fascinating as I do. Someone who believes in helping people out and who believes that everyone deserves forgiveness. I don't want a patriarchal type relationship where the guy believes that because he's the guy he gets to control me and everything else as well. I'm too much of an independent person to be controlled. It's the worst thing. Well, I guess I'm done here. I feel somewhat better, and then I remember that no one gives a crap anyway. Oh well, I guess this is where numbness sets in. Then I'll fall asleep and wake up in the morning feeling better. How wonderful.