Very early morning rambling

So I just finished registration, after 2 grueling hours of begging my computer to load faster and crying and screaming the whole way, I've learned something about myself. My weakness is, well now I'm second guessing my wording because it's 3 am and I'm a tad sleepy, becoming helpless I suppose. In any situation that I am able to do something, even if it seems meaningless, I can cope. In tonight's situation, where I could do nothing except for pray, cry, and beg, I became someone completely different. I found myself complaining so much, I absolutely loathe people who complain all the time. Although I will give myself the fact that I was complaining and would've worked toward a solution to what i was complaining about if there was one. Still, I complained a lot. I became very mean when my family asked me to stop acting like a banshee (my words, not theirs.) Which is a reasonable request at 2 am when they need to get up early for work. Still, I became very mean, my voice was even different, almost like I was possessed. And when my mom came in to try to be there for me and to calm me down, instead of thanking her or trying to calm down, I tried to drive her away. I suppose sometimes misery doesn't love company??? Anyway, I think I'm back to normal now, considering that I'm self analyzing myself.

The point: I did not like who I became in that situation. It started out as simple frustration and eventually turned me into a completely different person! This has been a learning experience for me. I've learned that I need to watch my actions and my thoughts going into certain situations before I start getting frustrated, so that I can prevent a temporary personality transplant. I probably should have realized this before I started registering for classes (the most not fun thing in the world) but alas, I needed to see myself possessed by my own extreme focus to realize that simple frustration when left to fester can really change a person.

I'm sorry if this was rambly and didn't really make sense, and if there are spelling or grammatical errors, I'm very sleepy at the moment, and I'm ready to crawl into bed. Being a banshee, even just for two hours is very tiring.

I've learned something about myself: I'm not easily impressed

Okay, so I was going to go to bed because it is insanely early in the morning, but I couldn't let this post wait. So it started out with someone talking to me tonight, trying to flirt with/impress me with his wit and telling me that I'm beautiful and such. Enough to make a girl swoon, right? Wrong. Sure, it's fun to randomly flirt, but honestly, empty words and an ingenuine personality is not going to get you anywhere with me. I feel exactly like Shania Twain in her song "That don't impress me much":

I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart
But you've got being right down to an art
You think you're a genius-you drive me up the wall
You're a regular original, a know-it-all
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're a rocket scientist
That don't impress me much
So you got the brain but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket
And a comb up his sleeve-just in case
And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughtta lock it
'Cause Heaven forbid it should fall outta place

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're Brad Pitt
That don't impress me much
So you got the looks but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine
You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in
I can't believe you kiss your car good night
C'mon baby tell me-you must be jokin', right!

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you've got a car
That don't impress me much
So you got the moves but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night

That don't impress me much
You think you're cool but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm on the long, cold, lonely night
That don't impress me much

Okay, so what do you think you're Elvis or something...
Oo-Oh-Oh
That don't impress me much!

Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-No
Alright! Alright!

You're Tarzan!
Captain Kirk maybe.
John Wayne.
Whatever!
That don't impress me much!

Bottom line: Intelligence, looks, and moves alone won't get a guy anywhere with me. It's the intentions, and the goals, and the honesty of a person, and the compassion and love that person shows to others. Smooth lines are nothing compared to that. Think you're not up to the challenge? Well then, it's your loss. There have been very few guys that have impressed me like I have just said, and let's face it, those guys are the ones that will stick with me forever.

In case anyone needed proof, I am indeed human

Tonight I had a realization. I believe that I care more about those around me than they do me. I honestly think that a lot of people around me simply tolerate me while I am in interested in their lives and care about them. This isn't to anyone specific...or at least anyone that is following my blog...or I hope that this wouldn't be true of those following my blog. I just feel like this semester, people have pretended to be my friend to make me feel better or because they felt obligated to because they were friends with my roommates. Do you have any idea how terrible that feeling is? It's pretty sad when you are in a place where there are no real friends that you can go see, when you can't talk to anyone about anything that you are feeling because they don't care! It sucks when everyone that comes to your door is there to see your roommates and not you. I'll be glad to be going home to a place where I think that I have people that care about me...

Another thing...I realize that I am unable to show any emotion besides happiness and frustration around anyone. I am unable to let people know that things hurt me. I am unable to let others know that the things that they do or say, or don't do or say hurt me. For example, the fact that I feel that no one cares, its something that's been eating at me for awhile and I started feeling upset so I immediately ran into my room so no one could possibly see me hurt. Why is it so bad for people to know that I'm human? That I hurt just as much when I'm completely alone. I've never allowed myself to let people see me hurt. Everyone else around me can fall apart, and because of that, I'm not allowed to. The very few times I've confessed to anyone that I was hurt, the person that I was talking to only presented me with their problems.

I miss my dogs. Right now they would be laying next to me licking the tears off my face...

Materialism

AHHHH!!!!!!!!! So I'm feeling slightly hypocritical right about now. I got on and on about how I think people have too much stuff and too many clothes and why can't things be simple? Well, I'm packing up for the semester and I have tons and tons of stuff! A ton of clothes especially (I really don't know where they come from :D) Really, it's like my clothes are a bunch of bunnies just making a bunch of new shirts! I have boxes galore of random crap that I'm storing and gosh, I'm so accidentally, and formally ignorantly materialistic! Wow, 3 adverbs in a row, who knew that was possible...

Cure for this materialism? Much jamming and shipping stuff home before I leave so I feel better about myself? Yes...and eating all the random food in my cabinet!!!! Yay kellog cereal bars and boil in a bag brown rice! I seriously found the most random crap while cleaning up, for example I have about a million and one paperclips. I have no use for paperclips as of yet. I also finally found that mattress cover that I'm supposed to be using on my bed but decided to hide from my head resident instead because I wanted to use my own because of my allergies. I hid it a little too well considering I just found it in the box that my tupperware came in...

Tupperware is a funny word...and can be used for so many things. Most importantly pie. Pie just wins. Pie makes Tupperware worth using. Haha...I have possibly inhaled too many sharpie fumes from labeling my plethora of boxes...lol.

Rants to those who edited my paper:

1. Don't mark me down major points and don't tell me why. If you are going to mark me down that much then there better be a very good reason!

2. Be specific! Stop referring to everything as "it"! I don't know what is going through your mind and therefore I have no idea what "it" is!!!!

3. Grow a brain and learn what the word "metaphorical" means.

4. Contradictions! First you say that I have plenty of support and then you turn around and say that I don't, which is it???

5. I don't care if you don't like my voice. It's my voice, you don't get to change that!

6. The organization was great but you gave me a 14/20??? See comment 1.

7. I apologize for using specific terms so that the reader isn't lost instead of using the word "it" all the time! see comment 2.

8. One word does not equal phrase, therefore you cannot tell me to rephrase one word.

9. If it is not cited, then it is an opinion of mine and therefore does not need a citation!

10. I'm sorry if you don't have the attention span for a moderately sized paragraph. That doesn't mean I go and break it up when it's only covering one topic. Grow a brain.

11. It's too long and choppy at the same time????

12. If there's nothing wrong with it, then I don't care how you would write it. It's my paper, not yours.

13. Do you seriously not recognize figurative language? How have you made it college? Granted it's freshman English, but do they seriously not teach figurative language before now? see comment 3.

As a side note, I don't trust someone to grade my English paper who can't properly express themself without saying the word "like" after every word. I went up to this girl to ask her what the deal was and I honestly couldn't understand what she tried to tell me because I was drowning in "likes".

This is an expression of my frustration with people who do not know how to give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I am also frustrated because many of the useless criticisms that cannot be explained came from the girl who asked me in the class before "how did your paper go?" and I told her that I was really excited for it because I think I did well. I'm sorry you didn't feel the same way about your paper! Don't take it out on mine!

Chicken Quesadilla

So I need to do some sort of writing that does not relate to any of my classes right now. I'm in the middle of writing my paper comparing two sects of Islam and I'd rather do anything but that at this point. So I'm sitting in the Crossroads eating a chicken quesadilla, which is very delicious by they way. I have severely underestimated this quesadilla. I saw it after it was made and thought "I'm so hungry, there's no way that will fill me up." Lo and behold, I have gotten through two and a half pieces out of four and I am full. This chicken quesadilla has taught me not to underestimate the skinny. The skinny quesadilla has filled my stomach to the brim and has provided me with much happiness and satisfaction. Do not underestimate the skinny, they will surprise you (especially if the skinny are in food form :D) There's my little shpeel about underestimation. So, life lesson #2. Don't procrastinate. No matter how many times I procrastinate important things for way less important things, I still do it. And I regret it every time! This is the boat I'm in with comparing two sects of Islam for my Global Hotspots class. I waited until today to start writing it and it's due tomorrow! I go to the library ready to crank out this paper when the fire alarm goes off. Now I'm in the Crossroads which isn't very noisy, but it's just noisy enough to distract me. Oy, my battery is getting about half way down, and I don't have a place to plug it in. I also still have to write about how the different sects of Islam have affected Iran and Pakistan. yay! so long for now.

In a Pat Benatar Mood

Pat Benatar really has attitude. That's mainly why I like her music, and she's a pretty decent singer. The song I was just listening to by her is Promises in the Dark:

Never again, isn't that what you said?
You've been through this before
An' you swore this time you'd think with your head
No one, would ever have you again
And if takin' was gonna get done
You'd decide where and when
Just when you think you got it down
Your heart securely tied and bound
They whisper, Promises In The Dark

Armed and ready, you fought love battles in the night
But too many opponents made you weary of the fight
Blinded by passion, you foolishly let someone in
All the warnings went off in your head
Still you had to give in

Just when you think you got it down
Resistance nowhere to be found
They whisper, Promises In The Dark

But promises, you know what they're for
It sounds so convincing, but you heard it before
Cause talk is cheap and you gotta be sure
And so you put up your guard
And you try to be hard
But your heart says try again

You desperately search for a way to conquer the fear
No line of attack has been planned to fight back the tears
Where brave and restless dreams are both won and lost
On the edge is where it seems it's well worth the cost
Just when you think you got it down
Your heart in pieces on the ground
They whisper, Promises In The -- Dark

This is a new one for me, but I really like it. I'm trying to expand my musical horizons, so if there are any suggestions out there for me (because i'm sure there's a lot of people reading this? ya right) then I'm open to them, as long as they don't include Miley Cyrus or the Jonas Brothers or any of the like. Those would most likely make me puke.

So I missed yesterday's blogging which is not conducive to my recent goals! I'm trying though! I'm honestly sitting here staring at the computer wondering what I should type...shouldn't the thoughts and ideas just come flowing out? I've got tons going on in my head and yet all those thoughts are very content to stay in my head rather than to be set free via my blog. Hmm...I suppose that means that I'm done for today.