To anyone who cares about the state of my heart...

...because fyi, it's breaking. I know that it's not possible for a heart to just break simply from emotional pain, but that's what it feels like. It's days like this that I'm reminded that I don't come from a family that loves and laughs together (by family I mean outside of myself and my parents). That's how my family used to be. When I was a child, I adored my aunts and uncles and cousins. I especially adored my grandparents. I still cherish the times when my grandpa and I would pretend to be goats. I look back on pictures of my mom, my dad, and all of my mom's siblings and their spouses and just see everyone laughing together and hugging each other. I have been told that the time this all changed was with the passing of my grandfather. This does not make sense to me because I would think this would make everyone cling to each other even more. That is not so. I was too young to have been able to observe what exactly happened to tear everyone apart. All I know is that one of my uncles doesn't speak to anyone in my family, my mom and another uncle are always at each others throats, and well, my other uncle just kind of floats on by (quite literally actually, he works on a boat!). Where are the happy times that I vaguely remember, but have proof of? Why can't we get them back? Why can't we cooperate for someone that we all care about? Why can't we realize that it's not all about us?? Where is a place that pride can be put aside to do what's best? Am I the only one in my family who cares that we aren't a family, but simply people who tolerate each other when necessary. And who occasionally make heated phone calls to over things that aren't our fault? Does anyone else in my family think this is very messed up? Because I think it's a tragedy. I may be the youngest of all of us (besides my cousin's 2 year old of course), but I still remember how we all used to get together for breakfast on Christmas morning and hunt Easter eggs together. Maybe that's the only family we ever really were. Christmas and Easter families. Just like some people who only go to church on Christmas and Easter. Maybe I unknowingly exaggerate memories of my family in my mind. But we've lost even what we used to have. I wish I knew a way to bring everyone back together without me becoming a human sacrifice. I was mostly kidding about that...

One other thing. People, just stop yelling at my mom. Seriously, she has been getting yelled at a lot lately for things that really are not her fault and sometimes have nothing to do with her. I'm seriously tired of it! She's not thick skinned and she's easily upset. Just stop yelling at her! She does her best to be quiet and to do whatever she can to help those around her. Sometimes I think she helps them too much, but she doesn't stop anyway. She's a wonderful lady who should not be getting yelled at. Thanks.

Cravings

I really really really really really really really really really really want a brownie with a side of apple pie ice cream and a custard filled doughnut with a side of Neapolitan ice cream. *Sigh* None for me though, I'm not leaving this house, and I highly doubt any of that is going to magically appear in front of me.

Bucket List

I am supposed to be doing homework right now...but I really don't want to. All this week I've been missing summer time like crazy!!! I want sunshine and the fear of my skin burning every second that I'm outside. I've decided to make a bucket list for when I go home to good 'ol St. Pete. Hopefully, that'll get my mind off of summer and onto homework:

1. Cardinals vs. Cubs game. While wearing either the "It ain't right till it's Wainwright" shirt I plan to buy or the "Yadi's a hottie" shirt I plan to buy. =D

2. Eat Ted Drewe's.

3. See as many Muny shows as possible.

4. Eat at all the places that I cannot while I'm in Rexburg.

5. Elephant Rocks

6. Johnson Shut-Ins

7. STL Zoo

8. City Museum

9. Road trip to see Sister Maynes, the most awesome young women's leader this girl could have ever asked for.

10. Clean out my bedroom at home

11. Six Flags, and while there, get a henna tattoo. =D

12. Bowling with my Oak Valley peeps.

This is all I have so far. I can't wait for summer!!!!!!

Man he's good (bad)!

Oh dear, sometimes Satan really knows how to get to me!!!! He got me good today, and I hate it! I didn't even see it coming and wasn't able to recognize it until just now. So I went to Get Connected expeditions today, which involved me picking out of 3 activities: sledding, snowshoeing, and cross country skiing. I was hoping to go snowshoeing or sledding because I knew from the start that I'd be too uncoordinated for cross country skiing. So I get to the gym and just went to the first table I saw and signed the waiver. I go over to talk to people and discover that the tables are separated by activities and that I just signed up for cross country skiing. My NORMAL reaction to this would be to groan and get over it. Instead for some reason I got majorly upset. I actually started crying!! That is very abnormal for me!!! And I realized that as I was crying. I kept asking myself why am I doing this? I kept on asking myself the entire expedition. Now, I didn't do too bad at cross country skiing, but I wasn't very comfortable with it. But looking back, I think I could have made a much better experience out of it if I wasn't stuck on why I randomly got upset. I think that after awhile, Satan figures out our weaknesses. I think he's figured out that I psychoanalyze myself all the time, and that I don't stop until I figure it out. I've got to say, I'm usually able to realize when he's trying to get to me, but he caught me off guard today. Lesson Learned. Always be on your guard against the adversary. He'll always try to get you when things are going well.

FYI: Things are going very well right now. :) :) :) :) :)

My life

Major: Biology, emphasis in Neuroscience.
Cluster: Exercise and Sports Science, Professional Health
Cluster: Literature

This one's sticking. I have a plan. 2 words: Physician's Assistant. I can do it.

I'm supposed to be studying for finals...

...but I can't stop thinking about it. Today a friend of mine's husband was deployed to the middle east. I've known about the war for awhile now. But, it's been made so much more personal today that the loved one of someone that I'm friends with is on his way over there right now. I'm really scared. I don't even know him, but I'm scared for him and her and their daughter. I'm scared for what our world is turning into. I support our soldiers that go over there and consider them heroes for giving up so much to fight for our country. But, I honestly don't know what we are doing over there anymore. What is our purpose? At the same time I ask, what would happen if we were to all of a sudden bail out. Would there be more attacks? I read that Stockholm was attacked today. The entire world it seems like is being affected by these people that just hate everyone it seems. It's scary for me. I can't stop thinking about what may happen next. How many more are going to have to die for our country? How long is this going to go on? What will come of it? When will it stop being scary? I realize that this has been going on for 9 years now. That is almost half of my lifetime. For the most part, it's all I have ever known. Who knew that when I met this friend of mine 8 years ago, that her future husband would be going over to the middle east and fighting for us?

Random thoughts that I want (need?) to get out

I've had an interesting week...well weekend. It was spirit conference this weekend. For those of you who don't know what that is (probably everyone) it's a 2 day period in which council, mentors, and volunteers of the Get Connected program at BYUI meet and prepare for the upcoming Get Connected. Get Connected is a 2-3 long program designed to welcome new students to the school, and it's an amazing program. I have been so spiritually fed this weekend, and frankly my mind is full. Spirit conference didn't start out very well for me, because I had a fever and a headache when I went on Friday (after a day long search for my Tylenol, I had no luck finding it until after my headache and fever were gone, today). So for the first half, I was completely faking it. I was faking being excited and doing my best to help the people out in my mentor group. I have no idea if the people in my group believed it. I was trying, but I was feeling like crap most of the night. The next day, I heard everyone talking about how they left spirit conference on Friday and they felt so spiritually high. When I left spirit conference on Friday, I was 1. Tired beyond belief and 2.Upset (in this case, I mean a combo of angry, frustrated, and sad). The reason for me being tired was mentioned earlier. I was upset because I had this feeling that I was assigned to a certain person for spirit conference and get connected because I was some sort of project or something. It's the way this person interacts with me. It's like they treat me like they are a teacher and I am a student or something. Laying on compliments and encouragements unnaturally thick. I'm not saying that I don't need help or anything, but I don't like feeling like any person is nice to me because they are told to. I would rather someone be nice to me because they want to. This upset me a lot because before tonight, I was under the impression that this person wanted to be my friend and I left that night thinking that they saw me as someone beneath them and was acting like my friend because they were told to. I'm still a little baffled by this, and very disappointed. Nevertheless, after only 5 hours of sleep, I returned to get connected really pumped and ready to go. I had no idea I could be so energetic at 6:30 in the morning, quite honestly. I called up all of my volunteers in my mentor group for their wake up calls by singing "Good Morning" from Singing in the Rain. I was excited for the day to come because I knew from the previous spirit conference that I attended that it was going to be a day of learning and revelation. I was most excited for the spirit challenge. The spirit challenge is an amazing thing. We led the volunteers blindfolded to the lower fields and left them alone, away from each other. Loud music and depressing newscasts were played on one end, while the voices of the prophets were quietly played, while gradually being turned up. The goal of the volunteers (which they weren't told) was to follow the prophet's voice and find the rope and follow it home. Meanwhile, the mentors and council members played angels and devils, either encouraging and guiding in the right direction or discouraging and misleading. The last time I did the spirit challenge, I was a volunteer, and it was scary. It was interesting to see it from the view of a tempter. I went around saying discouraging things to the volunteers and tried to lead them away from the rope ( ex: "You aren't worth it" "It's too hard for you to do" "You won't be forgiven" "I'm your friend come with me"). There were one or two people who actually let me lead them away from the rope and listened to me. One person in my group took a swing at me after I told her "They'll never forgive you". She missed, by the way. I was very happy when the volunteers didn't listen to me. I started tempting a person that I knew, and he kept charging in the direction of the rope, not even paying attention to me. It made me so happy to see such strong people. This also led to something else that was very awesome. One of the goals my partner and I made was to encourage two people who were partners to work more together. I don't remember doing anything specific, but by the end of the day, they were telling me how during the spirit challenge they were helping each other up this large hill, and it really touched me. They stuck together after that. It was amazing.

So I don't know if you caught on, but the spirit challenge is supposed to resemble Lehi's vision. It's amazing the things that I hear that people learned from it. One person in my group (the same one who took a swing at me) made it to the top before most people from our group. By the time I was done tempting and at the top, I found her and she was sobbing profusely. I asked her what was wrong, if she was hurt, and she said that no one else from our group was up here yet. She kept watching the people that hadn't figured it out yet wander around without direction, and it upset her so much. It makes me think of how people in the spirit world must feel. They are home and they have the truth, and meanwhile they are watching so many people wander around and give in to temptation.

This weekend meant a lot to me, and I hope that I had some sort of impact on those that I was supposed to teach. They seemed to like my partner a lot more than me, but I hope that I was still able to help them.