Thinking and Empowerment

So, as usual, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've got major family issues, and I'm starting to realize that I don't really have family anymore outside of my mom and my dad and maybe my grandmother. It's really hard, but I was thinking that even though we've always been closest to this particular branch of family, when have they ever been there for me. Ever since I was younger, I've always been on my guard to not say certain things around them because it would make them mad. How confusing is that to tell a seven year old that something you say could make your big, mighty uncle mad? Anyway, this conflict has been going on since my grandfather died, which was when I was either six or seven. At the beginning, the cordiality was there, but it's been waning until now it's full out warfare. I've realized that I don't really need them. They've never done anything for me, except a 10% discount at Marshalls the few times I've been there. I even remember at my own high school graduation party, my aunt and uncle were making fun of me! They were talking about how stupid I actually was, and my aunt graduated high school with a 4.0 (I only had a 3.8, I'm THAT stupid). You know what? My aunt never went to college. She's been working retail her whole life: Toys R Us, Franks (it was a craft store that I think is out of business now), and Marshalls. My uncle doesn't have much to say either because he moves boxes for a living. Neither of them went to college and yet they sit on their high horses thinking that they somehow have command over everyone. They actually think that they are extremely affluent people in our community. No one knows their names. Where do these delusions of grandeur come from? Anyway, their hypocrisy makes me mad, because they call me stupid (woo hoo, you insulted your teenage niece, good one) and yet I'm going to college right now (something they never could/would have done) and I'm graduating a year early with a degree in Neuroscience along with a concentration of literature classes and med school prep classes. I am then going to graduate school to get a master's degree in Physician's Assistant Studies. That's right, I'm basically going to be a doctor without all the extra school. I also happen to be going into one of the fastest growing careers in the medical field. I won't be getting paid much less than a doctor either.

Sounds hard, I know. It's going to be. A scripture came to mind while I was thinking about all of this. Philippians 4:13 "I can do ALL things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (I added the emphasis). You know what? Maybe they have their egos to keep them warm at night, along with the funny looking Knights of Columbus costumes (did I mention that he's Head Knight???? whoopdeedoo!) However, if I keep on doing what I'm supposed to do, I have Christ's strength to help me achieve my goals and to change the world for the better. Can anyone beat that or am I good?

Today's going to be a good day.

Awkward Pauses...

I'm not sure that him and I have a lot in common. Yes, please don't complain at me for constantly complaining on here. He doesn't read this and I need some sort of sounding board. He really is a nice guy, but lately I've been noticing that our conversations have been filled with silence because neither one of us have anything to say to the other. I try to tell him about things I read or saw that I thought was interesting and try to have an intellectual conversation, but he finds that boring. He tells me about funny or cute pictures he saw on the internet, and that's okay for awhile. Then he starts asking me about every detail of the rest of my day...I'm starting to think him and I either don't have a lot in common or that I'm trying to find excuses. Nothing feels wrong exactly, but most of the time it doesn't feel right either...

Dogs are superior

They give love without expecting anything right away. They protect you from everything, even things they can't see such as sickness or sadness. They are warm (108 degree normal body temp). They live for snuggling and human attention. They get really excited when you come home. The feeling of little paws beating on my knees is one of the best feelings in the world. They are not able to speak or give opinions, but they have an exponentially higher amount of personality.

The Grass is Greener?

Ok, so when someone has been confiding in you about very personal family issues that are very upsetting to watch, and have been going on for basically 12 years, the best thing to say is not "I wish I had your problems, they're not nearly as bad as mine". Ok...so is that supposed to make me feel better? Mission not accomplished. I know everyone has their problems, but by saying that, it's like he was telling me that I don't have anything to be upset over. It really doesn't matter that my family has been violently tearing itself apart for the past 12 years and things happen to be flaring up more than usual right now. Of course, why would something like that upset me?

All is Well

The title says it all.

Why?

Why isn't the fact that he's an all-around amazing guy seem to not be enough?

I'm trying not to freak out...

For some reason, I have not been handling stress very well. Even small things have recently been causing panic attacks...so I'm going to try to vent here to see if I can prevent the one that I feel may be coming on...

1. A certain person who has recently become a huge part of my life. I'm wondering if we're being completely honest with each other. Before he asked me out he told me about how worried he was about finding his eternal companion. I'm sorry but this makes me think that he might be with me because he wants to be married and that's it. That he's just trying to make this work for the sake of getting married and getting it over with. On that note, I'm questioning whether I'm with him partially because recently I've really been wanting a boyfriend. I have no idea though. For some reason I am unable to read my own thoughts and feelings...

2. My family is falling apart. Not my immediate household, but the rest of my family. My grandma isn't in good health and she refuses to take care of herself. It makes me wonder whether she's so depressed that she is trying to make herself die faster. Of course we may never know because if anyone tries to help her, they get shut out.

3. My roommates for next semester. I love them so much, they are my best friends! I just received notice of new healthy eating rules. I want to be healthier, but I'd rather do it on my own terms than someone else's. Even though I know this isn't how the note was meant (or so I hope) I feel like I'm being told what to do and what is going to happen next semester. As many of you know, I do NOT like being told what to do, even though I need it sometimes.

4. I really miss my dogs. I miss them in a huge way that a lot of people probably don't understand. Oh man...here comes the tears...they just make me so happy and whenever I'm stressed out they don't leave my side until I'm okay again. I miss snuggling with them and the greetings from them when I come home, even if I was only outside for a few minutes and come back in. They are happy to see me every time. They mean a lot to me and it's hard not having them here with me.

5. I'm worried about the fact that I've been having panic attacks. Does this mean I'm going crazy? I can't ever stop them when they happen and I hate feeling out of control like that. Why are they happening now? Why are they happening at all? I can't ever make sense of them, because whenever I find something that might be a cause, it's always something minor that I shouldn't be upset about.

I think this helped...I still have a major headache though...