41 days

41 days is the amount of time that it will take for my REAL friends to get here. I'm so tired of random people roommates! I'm really thankful that I don't have anyone like deb from last semester or other horror stories that I've heard. But I hate the random people roommates, because if they don't like something that's going on all they do is gossip and complain about it. They don't confront the person, they don't talk about it. If it's that big of an issue, then do something about it or keep your mouth shut. Don't pretend to be talking to someone else about it when clearly you are talking loud enough so that the person you are talking about can hear you. I'm guilty of doing that last semester, except that it took me awhile to realize just how thin the walls are. Lately, I've just been keeping stuff to myself, because I don't see any real problems. I clean up my stuff and I stay out of everyone's way. And what did I just overhear? My roommate complaining about how no one washes HER dirty rag. I don't know of anyone that uses it because it is dirty. If she wants it clean how about she cleans it herself! I even tell people not to use it because it is dirty. It's HERS. I wouldn't leave something of mine in there and expect other people to clean it if no one else uses it. I think she was complaining about all the dishes sitting on the counter. GUESS WHAT? They're not mine, they're not my other roommate's, but they belong to the girl she was complaining to and her! Did that make sense sentence wise? I know it doesn't make sense for them to complain loudly about how pissed off they are about their own mess and then not do anything about it. I can't wait until my real friends and my future roommates are here. Having issues with each other won't go away, but it won't be to a degree such as this. I loathe having random roommates. Sometimes it turns out well, like this semester is way better than last semester. But the whole loud music and loud webcam talking in the middle of the night to where it's difficult to sleep is not cool. It just makes me mad that I try to be considerate, but some people don't care about inconveniencing other people. I complain a lot on here. I realize that. It's mostly because I feel stupid complaining about some stuff out loud and because I loathe complaining in general. Actually, complaining without trying to do something about it is what really gets me. It's hard to confront this kind of cattiness without making a scene, so I'm not sure what I can really do except to try to stay out of everyone's way. I just wish there was somewhere I could go so that I didn't have to be around all of this.

P.S. I think what makes things more frustrating for me is that there are some people that I simply don't understand. For example, I don't understand why people would complain so loudly about something and then refuse to do anything about it. I don't understand the delusions some people get, for example, on something completely unrelated to this, the delusion that they have actual influence and control over other grown adult's lives. I don't understand how someone could actually think they can order a grown adult around and that they would listen to them, and then get frustrated when the grown adult does not want to listen (FYI, you probably think I'm talking about me and my parents or something, but I actually am not). I wish I understood people better so that I could find them less frustrating.

Explosion

Ok, so I just want to declare this once and for all. I don't have a driver's license. And you know what? I DON'T want anyone's opinion on this fact! I don't tell people this for a reason, because it always changes how they view me and of course they then give their opinion on what kind of person I am because I don't have a driver's license. They blame it on me. They ask why I don't want a license or they ask how bad of a driver I am. I'm so ready to burst on this issue! I confided this to someone that I've recently begun to trust and when I expressed my frustration at the issue, she told me that having a license isn't all that great and that it's a HUGE responsibility, which I obviously can't handle! GET THE FULL STORY! I'm livid right now.

The sad thing is, that I'm a good driver. Yes, of course I would say that because I'm talking about myself. Everyone thinks they are a good driver. I know that I am and simply can't prove it!! It's the most frustrating thing in the world!!! I've spent hours and hours just driving everywhere I could and becoming confident in my abilities after being unfairly shot down by the DMV. Every time I go to take the test I do very well, and they start telling me I did stuff wrong that I know that I didn't!!! One exception, there's a lot of large corners where they do the tests, and the stop sign isn't on the corner and there's a lot of shrubbery, so I had the dilemma of where to stop and everything. It was my first test, and I acknowledge that I did that wrong. Unfortunately, it happened enough to fail me on the test. My second test, this lady claimed that I continuously stopped in intersections and stopped at green lights and ran red ones and didn't listen to her. It's not true at all. I have no idea why anyone would make any of that up (which is why you probably don't believe me) but she did. This last time, I knew I did really well. I was really confident in my abilities and I didn't do a thing wrong. Then he fails me. He said that I had great control of the car but didn't pay attention to my surroundings while I was driving!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? THAT is my specialty!!!! I make a conscious effort to know EVERYTHING that goes on around me. And he decided to tell the entire room full of people waiting for their kids to get back from taking the test. THANKS A LOT OLD MAN, GO DIE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

Besides my dad, I am the best driver in my family that I know. My grandmother has always thought it was okay to drive in two lanes at once!!! She still has her license. Lisa doesn't pay attention to anything around her while driving 80 mph everywhere! It's downright scary being in a car with her. My mom doesn't pay attention or put her blinker on. I follow all the rules. I am aware of everyone around me, and I'm so careful!! I want to have my driver's license so that I can feel like I can do more on my own and stop feeling like such a little kid that needs someone to driver her everywhere!!!

I hate this so much. It's so frustrating to walk everywhere and watch people make idiotic decisions while driving when I know that I wouldn't do that if I had a license. It's also frustrating to talk about driving in general, because I never want people to know because they judge me and think that I can't drive or that I'm stupid.

So everyone just get off my back! It already sucks enough to not have my license, I DON'T NEED YOUR CRITICISM TOO! I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THAT I NEED TO TRY HARDER OR THAT I'M STUPID!!! I hate all of you that criticize me for not having my license, I hate not having it enough. I hate that I have to be careful about what I get at the grocery store because I can't drive myself, and people get ticked off when I ask them for rides to the grocery store. I hate that I have to ask people for rides to go certain places when I'm home, that I can't just go where I want to go.

So just leave me alone and stop judging me. I try really hard to think the best of people, and I don't like being reduced to an idiot when people hear that I don't have a driver's license.

So far...

This night isn't bad so far. Last night was terrible. I've possibly numbed things with a key lime cupcake shake from sammy's, cheetos, and mountain dew. So far: effective. Either that or I'm doing better on my own. Either way, I'm hoping there won't be a mental breakdown tonight. And that I won't stay up till 4 am considering I have to wake up for classes at 6 am.

Always want what you can't have...

I wasn't happy in the relationship, but now that it's over, I'm still not happy. Why does it hurt? Why am I broken up over this when I didn't want the relationship anymore. Why does it hurt trying to be his friend?

That's all there is; there isn't anymore.

I finally did it. I didn't think I would have the courage, but I broke up with a wonderful guy who didn't really have any flaws. He didn't do anything wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. We simply don't have enough in common to make this work. Or, we don't have enough in common to make me want to make it work. Did that make sense? Anyway, I am about 99% sure that I'm completely okay with this, but yet I have a headache, am wide awake, and really hungry. Hmm, well I hope that I keep being okay, because I can't think of a logical reason as to why I wouldn't be okay. Honestly, it looks dramatic on facebook, but it was no big deal.

Thinking and Empowerment

So, as usual, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've got major family issues, and I'm starting to realize that I don't really have family anymore outside of my mom and my dad and maybe my grandmother. It's really hard, but I was thinking that even though we've always been closest to this particular branch of family, when have they ever been there for me. Ever since I was younger, I've always been on my guard to not say certain things around them because it would make them mad. How confusing is that to tell a seven year old that something you say could make your big, mighty uncle mad? Anyway, this conflict has been going on since my grandfather died, which was when I was either six or seven. At the beginning, the cordiality was there, but it's been waning until now it's full out warfare. I've realized that I don't really need them. They've never done anything for me, except a 10% discount at Marshalls the few times I've been there. I even remember at my own high school graduation party, my aunt and uncle were making fun of me! They were talking about how stupid I actually was, and my aunt graduated high school with a 4.0 (I only had a 3.8, I'm THAT stupid). You know what? My aunt never went to college. She's been working retail her whole life: Toys R Us, Franks (it was a craft store that I think is out of business now), and Marshalls. My uncle doesn't have much to say either because he moves boxes for a living. Neither of them went to college and yet they sit on their high horses thinking that they somehow have command over everyone. They actually think that they are extremely affluent people in our community. No one knows their names. Where do these delusions of grandeur come from? Anyway, their hypocrisy makes me mad, because they call me stupid (woo hoo, you insulted your teenage niece, good one) and yet I'm going to college right now (something they never could/would have done) and I'm graduating a year early with a degree in Neuroscience along with a concentration of literature classes and med school prep classes. I am then going to graduate school to get a master's degree in Physician's Assistant Studies. That's right, I'm basically going to be a doctor without all the extra school. I also happen to be going into one of the fastest growing careers in the medical field. I won't be getting paid much less than a doctor either.

Sounds hard, I know. It's going to be. A scripture came to mind while I was thinking about all of this. Philippians 4:13 "I can do ALL things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (I added the emphasis). You know what? Maybe they have their egos to keep them warm at night, along with the funny looking Knights of Columbus costumes (did I mention that he's Head Knight???? whoopdeedoo!) However, if I keep on doing what I'm supposed to do, I have Christ's strength to help me achieve my goals and to change the world for the better. Can anyone beat that or am I good?

Today's going to be a good day.

Awkward Pauses...

I'm not sure that him and I have a lot in common. Yes, please don't complain at me for constantly complaining on here. He doesn't read this and I need some sort of sounding board. He really is a nice guy, but lately I've been noticing that our conversations have been filled with silence because neither one of us have anything to say to the other. I try to tell him about things I read or saw that I thought was interesting and try to have an intellectual conversation, but he finds that boring. He tells me about funny or cute pictures he saw on the internet, and that's okay for awhile. Then he starts asking me about every detail of the rest of my day...I'm starting to think him and I either don't have a lot in common or that I'm trying to find excuses. Nothing feels wrong exactly, but most of the time it doesn't feel right either...

Dogs are superior

They give love without expecting anything right away. They protect you from everything, even things they can't see such as sickness or sadness. They are warm (108 degree normal body temp). They live for snuggling and human attention. They get really excited when you come home. The feeling of little paws beating on my knees is one of the best feelings in the world. They are not able to speak or give opinions, but they have an exponentially higher amount of personality.

The Grass is Greener?

Ok, so when someone has been confiding in you about very personal family issues that are very upsetting to watch, and have been going on for basically 12 years, the best thing to say is not "I wish I had your problems, they're not nearly as bad as mine". Ok...so is that supposed to make me feel better? Mission not accomplished. I know everyone has their problems, but by saying that, it's like he was telling me that I don't have anything to be upset over. It really doesn't matter that my family has been violently tearing itself apart for the past 12 years and things happen to be flaring up more than usual right now. Of course, why would something like that upset me?