Bone Marrow: Important stuff, eh?

Okay, so I've decided that since I'm involved with the Bone Marrow Donor Registry event on campus, I feel very strongly that I should share why I've become so passionate about it. I don't tend to get involved with things on campus much, although I did do Get Connected, but since I started Fast Grad, I started valuing my time at home a lot more and don't care to cut my vacations from school short. I don't really get involved that much because honestly, I'm pretty selfish. All I really think about is my grades and making myself chill out every once in awhile. But, I made a huge exception when I got the weekly student update email asking for volunteers for this event. I had no idea there was a National Bone Marrow Donor Registry, even though it makes perfect sense that there would be. Some people don't have family or friends that can donate to them, but they still get transplants. I guess I just never thought of it. I got super excited and emailed the person they instructed me to right away. I went on the National Bone Marrow Donor Registry's website and read through everything on there. Once I read about how easy the donation process is (at least compared to what I've heard, about how painful it is,) I thought about how painful it would be to have a disease that would require a bone marrow transplant, specifically I thought about leukemia. I've never experienced cancer myself, but I've learned about how cancer perpetuates in the body and the only way they know how to get rid of it effectively is through treatments that poison rapidly dividing cancer cells, but also poison all other rapidly dividing cells in your body such as hair cells, liver cells, and bone marrow. Bone marrow is very important within the body mainly because it produces red and white blood cells. Red blood cells are in charge of carrying oxygen and other nutrients throughout the body. White blood cells are in charge of keeping the body safe from foreign invaders. Your body can't function without these. I especially think of white blood cells, because if you don't have your white blood cells, you can get an infection very easily and there's really not much your body can do about it. The reason healthy people don't die from the common cold or an ear infection is because our bodies can fight them off. Without our immune system, bacteria and viruses would be able to take over our cells for their own purposes which would make them not able to do what they are supposed to do. Thinking about all this in my head gave me this exact conviction: The pain that I would go through and the small risks I would take through donating and going under anesthesia and the interruption to my life is very small compared to the world of good that it can do for someone that is suffering: a small child with their whole life ahead of them. A mother with young children who need her. A father who's adult children can't bear seeing their lifelong hero in such a state of weakness. There is a lot of pain that comes with cancer, not just physical pain of the person afflicted with it: but so much emotional pain for the afflicted and the friends and family who see this person being destroyed from the inside. I can't bear to think that I could go on with my life knowing that I had the ability to make a huge difference in someone's life for such a small sacrifice: I would be in a small amount of pain, maybe throw up from the anesthesia (unfortunately, my body doesn't like general anesthesia), and be out of work or school for a couple of days. To me, this is small. This is why I am so passionate about being able to be on the marrow donor registry. I hope that seeing my side of this will help others think about donating or maybe provide comfort to those who want to donate but maybe are scared to.

Macbeth! (This post has little to do with Macbeth actually!)

I'm supposed to be reading Macbeth right now, but quite honestly, I need to wake up! I got too cozy and warm while reading it and now that I got to Act V, I fear I won't finish it tonight! Anyway, I've declared war on my face! Cystic acne sucks and I can't wait to get to the dermatologist on Monday because quite honestly I'm tired of being in pain! From my research, with cystic acne, the only effective route to go is prescription, so I don't have much of a choice! Today was my breaking point: I made an appointment for monday and I went to walgreens and decided to try new facial products because mine just aren't cutting the mustard! I got an awesome cleanser and moisturizer, both by Garnier Fructis, and so far, I'm in love! I also got two packets of those deep cleansing masks. The pictures on them always amused me because they have so much other random crap on their faces besides the actual mask! I washed with the new scrub, did a deep cleansing mask, used noxema toner, did a moisturizing mask from Mark that I already had, applied 10% Benzoyal (sp?) Peroxide acne cream, and finished off with my new moisturizer. My skin feels great right now! I've also decided to go on a makeup fast for at least a week, not including Halloween (I'm being Billy from Hocus Pocus, so I really can't get around the makeup thing for that). I thought I was meticulous before about taking care of my face? Well I've just stepped it up a few notches. Now, I know y'all REALLY want to know way more TMI about my face, but I simply have no more to say about it! LOL, I have to stop wasting time now! Goodnight!

It's been awhile, hasn't it!

Sorry guys! I'm so busy lately. I also can't sleep right now! I slept for a total of about two hours and my mind decided that it was time to get up! So I've just been trying to get through school and everything. I'm having a hard time focusing lately, which really isn't good! I need to nip that in the butt majorly! I'm taking Intro to Biology (we started out with stuff that I really didn't care about, but we're getting into more interesting things lately. My teachers team teach and it's hilarious! I think we're starting photosynthesis on Monday). I'm taking General Chemistry II (I feel like I understand the class better than I understood 105 and my teacher, however bad of a rep he has, totally kicks butt. He rocks! Chemistry still isn't my thing, but life goes on, right?). I'm taking Human Anatomy and Physiology II (I love everything I learn in that class. I wish I didn't decide to take it so early though because it makes it hard to stay awake. I have no idea how my teacher jumps around the whole time he's teaching at that time of the morning!) I am also taking Themes in Literature (our theme is Faery and it's one of the most fun classes I've taken. I'm really sad my teacher's retiring after this semester. He also kicks butt). That's my life. I also decided to apply for a really awesome job during this time of no sleep. I really hope I didn't sound too "herp-derp" in my cover letter that I had to majorly change around. The job I applied for was as a donor processing assistant at the plasma center and the last job I applied for was as a copy editor for online course development. Very different skill sets if you ask me. Having a job will be stressful (if I get it!) but in all reality, I really need the money and I really need the hands on patient experience for grad school because physician assistant programs demand super heroes! (A- averages and thousands of paid, hands on clinical hours). As a donor processing assistant, I would take medical histories, make sure those who come in to donate plasma are eligible, maintain a safe environment, answer the phone, etc. I would feel like this is my first real job! Although I loved waitressing, it still was my first job and it didn't feel like a real grown up job (even though there were ladies much older than I waitressing at the good ol Bob Evans). The main advantage of working at the kiosk was that it was laid back and it was a job (no one else was hiring when I got this job). Custodial work was pretty cool mostly because the hours really didn't get in the way of my schedule (4 am-7 am). Anyway, since submitting everything for the job, I feel a little more awake and may just attempt homework. I tried it earlier, but my brain melted (oh I think I just copied that from my FB status, OH NO!!!)

Summer Break Can't Last Forever...

You know what, I know that I've been a big whiner lately, but honestly, I've been hating my life so much that I don't much care that I've been whining a lot. I was looking forward to going on summer break to have a break from the immense amount of stress that I impose on myself during the school year and the psychological damage from the car crash (not going away anytime soon, according to my therapist). Unfortunately, neither of these was possible during break. Instead of stress free, I got 8 hours of babysitting a day, up until recently, in which I got 6 hours of babysitting a day. This sounds great right? I got a summer job!!! Except it was all for free with no offer of payment. Some may call this service, but can it really be deemed service when it's without choice and someone EXPECTS you to raise their child??? Instead of stress free, I got 2 year old drama, which means throwing a fit over everything. I don't like having other people's responsibilities forced on me. I know, SO ABNORMAL!!! Instead of recovering from psychological damage from the car accident, all I got was nagging questions from just about everyone about when I'm going to get my driver's license. YOU KNOW WHAT??? I CAN BARELY SIT IN A CAR WITHOUT FREAKING OUT THAT I'M GOING TO DIE AT ANY MINUTE SO JUST GET OFF MY F****ING BACK!!!!!!!! Instead of recovering from psychological drama, my life gets put on hold for someone that can't even be trusted to make good decisions for themselves or more importantly, their child. This all seriously makes me never want to come home again. What's going to happen next time, huh???? I'm so sick of this. Someone just get her out of my life, because I can't seem to!!!! She's invaded my house, my "haven" as it's supposed to be!!!! Where am I supposed to go now??? I hate home and I don't leave for Rexburg for another week!!!!! I really can't take it anymore. I'm really trying to hold it all together, but I can't seem to for more than a couple hours.

Letter to a Scroll "journalist" who cited my accident in an opinion article

Dear Mr. Wilcox:

Hello, my name is Jenifer Wagner and I'm emailing you in response to your article in the Scroll concerning pedestrian safety. It was very well written, in my opinion. I do have one criticism though: when you use examples in your article, they should be relevant to your subject. Your example of the recent car accident involving a pedestrian was very irrelevant to your story. You would know this had you checked your facts. The reason I know that it was irrelevant was that I was the pedestrian in the accident. First off, don't stop reading this email right now, because I have some very important things to point out and I promise I won't be abusive or harsh in my manner of explaining myself. I know you think that who was at fault "doesn't matter" and that you "don't care" but in an article emphasizing that pedestrians aren't exercising enough safety, it actually matters a lot. I want to start off by saying that I agree that pedestrians do need to exercise caution. But using my accident to illustrate this was very insulting to me, because it made it seem like I wasn't exercising caution. I'll have you know that I did everything I could to keep myself safe. I was not on my phone and I did not have an mp3 player blocking out my surroundings. I hit the button for the flashing beacon before crossing the street. I looked both ways before entering the crosswalk. I continued to look both ways as I was crossing. It wasn't until it was too late that I saw the car that hit me. In the police report, the driver stated that she couldn't see anyone in the crosswalk because her "windshield was foggy from the dust". If you don't believe any of this that I'm saying, I'd be happy to send you a copy of the police report. I really hope that knowing this about the accident shows you that getting facts before writing an article, even an opinion article, is very important. Please remember this as you go about life, writing papers for undergrad or grad school, or even if you go on to publish other writings. I realize that you can't please everyone in what you write, but please note that this email is not concerning pleasing others in what you write. Now, whatever you do in response to this email is not up to me to decide, but please don't be angry that I wrote something that wasn't exactly praiseworthy of your article. The only reason that I wrote this email to you personally, and not to the Scroll editor, was that I didn't want to humiliate or make an example out of you. I just wanted to confront this issue in a nonchalant manner. If you decided to read this e-mail all the way through, thank you. Thank you also for your time.

-Jenifer Wagner

Replacement

Yesterday, after I found out that my knee has no torn ligaments and is just very deeply bruised (thank goodness, but it still hurts like heck), I realized a pattern in my recovery. The better that my body got, the more I was feeling emotional pain over this whole accident. This was made quite obvious to me by the major emotional breakdown I had and the minor one right before bed. It just makes me mad and sad to no end that my life was completely turned upside down from this. I have to rely on other people for the most basic things and I hate that so much. It's getting better, I can do more things for myself, but before when I couldn't do anything for myself it really sucked. There's still a few things I can't do: normal shower because my knee is too weak, I can't style my hair because it hurts my elbow too much, I can't go on walks because I get too tired and I'd be afraid of crossing some of the streets. I can do stairs, but it's so exhausting. On Friday morning, I left the house excited for life: I was going to start exercising again and I had a vigorous study and homework schedule, but I left that on that driver's windshield when she hit me. I can't do much exercise, although my dad suggested a stationary bike, which I might try out. I'm too tired to do anything but the bare minimum, although I'm going to try to get a lot done today. All of this is made more frustrating by the fact that she wasn't hurt at all and gets to go about life business as usual. She doesn't have to worry about bringing her grades up while her body and mind are exhausted by the smallest tasks. She doesn't have to rely on her roommates to change bandages for her because looking at the deep cut makes her nauseous or looking at all the road rash, bruises, and the deep cuts and just wanting to cry every time. Or having to have people open doors for you because trying to get through doors on crutches is an acrobatic task or have people carry things for you because your hands are too busy operating crutches.

Times like these

The main thought on my mind is that it is a time like this, when your entire life has been turned upside down, that you figure out who truly cares about you. I am so thankful to those who have shown their care towards me during this whole experience, but right now at this moment, I'm very upset because some people that I thought might care about me have shown me that they really don't. I'm not sure if I'm extra emotional because of the pain medicine that I'm on, but this is something really upsetting to me. Obviously, I made it out of the crash in a lot better shape than I should have. No head injuries and no broken bones. But I wish that some would realize that although I'm really thankful to have come out of this so well, that it was still an extremely scary experience for me. I know that a lot worse could have happened which is what scares me. It scares me to death that I have to go out and face my fear of that crosswalk again in order to finish out the semester. I don't know if I'll be able to cross that alone and without being terrified the whole time. I thankfully can't vividly remember the accident, but I remember how it felt being hit and how it felt flying through the air and how I felt waking up. This all comes rushing back to me especially when I have to clean out my wounds every night and when I wake up in the morning stuck laying down until someone helps me or I am able to sit up after 10-20 minutes of struggling.

A counselor in our stake presidency came to see me today and encouraged me to work on forgiving the driver of the car, which honestly is something I have not been thinking much about. She hasn't made any attempt to even contact me and showed absolutely no remorse or concern at the scene of the accident. I play along when people tell me that she must be sorry and that she must have been concerned, but all she seemed concerned about was that this accident was an inconvenience to her day. Please excuse me for rightfully and lawfully crossing the street to start out my day, how dare I! And how dare someone be in the crosswalk while you NEED to speed through there (she was going the speed limit, but while there's a person in the crosswalk, going any speed is speeding). Forgiving this girl is going to be very hard for me, because from what it looks like, she had to have been distracted for a prolonged period of time, not just for a second, because she would have had to see me crossing the first half of the street. How can someone be so self-absorbed that they can't even pay attention and consider the safety of those around them? That is something I'm always aware of when I drive. My first concern is safety when I drive, not whether I receive a "very important" text message while I'm driving.

Right now, little things hurt a lot to me. I'm very hurt right now from very small things that in any other situation would not upset me. All that I can assume from some people is that they really don't care that I could have died and they don't care that I'm hurting physically and emotionally and that maybe breaking promises right now is not the best thing because right now I just can't handle it. If you're not going to do something, then don't say that you will, get my hopes up, and let me be crushed, because I can't handle that right now. I just can't...

Thankful

Ok, so I know I just wrote about how I survived a car crash yesterday (and if you are reading this without reading that last post, shame on you because that one is the most exciting thing I've posted and you need to read it!) I've been thinking about how thankful I am for everything. I talked to a girl Annalisa that witnessed the accident and she filled in some holes for me. These next couple things are things that for the most part I do not remember for whatever reason. Annalisa saw the car coming towards me, and I tried to get out of the way and instinctively put my hands out in front of me while I did. This was important because it put me on the passenger side of the car instead of directly in the center of the car, and probably saved my life. My knee took out the passenger side headlight first, the impact threw me onto the hood and then into the windshield. My right shoulder hit the windshield first and I flipped over and fell off the car by the driver's side door. In addition, I did not hit my head throughout the entire accident somehow (I'm still not sure how I avoided that). The only head injuries I sustained was a very shallow scrape on my right side and a small chunk of hair was pulled out. Annalisa was right there after the car stopped and apparently I tried to get up but she wouldn't let me (thanks Annalisa). The rest of the accident info, you got from the last blog post. My point to adding the additional information is to not forget any of this and to show that a couple of small hops out of the way probably saved my life. Out of small and simple things do great things come to pass. This saying is very real to me right now.

That just has to do with the accident. I am also thankful for many things that happened post-accident. I received great care from witnesses of the accident and had my roommates/best friends with me the entire time. The EMTs, people at the hospital, and the police officers that were there were very helpful and did their jobs very well. I was lucky to be the only patient in the E.R. at the time, because that meant that I got a lot of attention from the staff and therefore the best care possible. My bishop and his counselor were there at the hospital waiting for me and gave me a blessing as soon as I got home. I am so thankful for that because I believe in the power of priesthood blessings. I had so many people come by and visit me to see if I was okay, and that made me so happy to know that there are people out there who care about me. I got so many inquiries about my state on facebook and via text message and phone calls. I felt so loved that people were so concerned about me. I even got a get well flower arrangement from my parents and an offer from my dad to drive up here. Speaking of those that love me, I have wonderful roommates. I gave them quite a scare, and they were there for me the whole time. They were at the scene of the accident as soon as they heard what happened and then they immediately went to the hospital (one of them riding in the ambulance with me). The one that rode in the ambulance with me was there in my ER room until they took me away for x-rays and even though she thinks she wasn't doing a good job of comforting me, she really did. I was so much less scared because she was there. My roommates took me home from the hospital and immediately got to work taking care of me: elevating my knee adjusting my pillows. One stayed with me while the other two went and got me food from McDonald's and my pain medicine. All day yesterday, they've been answering the door, bringing me food and drink, and helping me go up and down the stairs (a very arduous task fyi), and making sure I was comfortable. They were there supporting me when I had to remove my bandages to clean the wounds and helped me overcome the nausea when I saw my elbow for the first time (deepest cut that I have). They helped me run bath water to make sure the water wasn't too hot and helped me get dressed. My roommate that's a pre-vet major dressed my wounds for me and got me a trashcan because I looked at my elbow again and became nauseous. My other two roommates brought me medicine and water and my laptop and made sure I was ready to go to bed. Today, I woke up this morning and they made me a huge breakfast and brought it to me in bed and provided me with refills of milk. They checked on me every once in awhile, but overall let me sleep. One of my roommates then did me the huge service of washing my hair (I felt so gross with my hair being so gross). She cut two matts out of my hair (last time I brush my hair with asphalt I tell you!) She then put cream in it and braided it so that it wouldn't look crazy. Two of my roommates were then going to go to Family Dollar to take advantage of a sale on Coke for me, but instead helped me go with them so that I could get out of the house and move around like the nurse suggested. The trip didn't last too long because I got too tired and hot, but they brought me home even though they still wanted to stay out. My other roommate that didn't go with us was having a really rough day and still helped me out by staying in the living room with me and just talking to me. My roommates then made and served dinner to me. I don't know if you can tell, but I have the most awesome roommates ever. I'm so grateful for them. I think I would be breaking down crying every few minutes if I didn't have them to take care of me (especially trying to make it up to the stairs to the bathroom, the stairs are my enemy!)

My very long winded point is that I have a lot to be grateful for. I know that my Heavenly Father has been watching over me throughout this whole experience and I know that He will continue to watch over me. Thank you so much to everyone who has helped me in anyway (even just talking to me on facebook, because I've been really bored!)

Here's the story of how I got hit by a car the day after my birthday!

Ok, so everyone is asking me questions and is probably begging for more, so here's the whole story, or at least everything I know of it.

I left my apartment at 7:30 am on my way to the library to print out lab reports for chemistry lab that morning. I crossed the crosswalk in front of my apartment (from Snowview to the Snow building, I have no idea what road that is). FYI, I always hit the button to light up the flashing lights for the crosswalk because I've been really friggen paranoid about being run over ever since I arrived in Rexburg, and for good reason obviously. The entire time I crossed, I had my phone put away (new laws about phones in crosswalks) and looking back and forth the entire time, as is my routine for crossing. I mention this bluntly so that it is clear that I did everything I could to prevent from being hit. FYI, as I'm writing this, everything that happened is seeming more and more surreal. I had gotten to the second side of the street and looked and all of a sudden saw the car right there. Next thing I knew I was upside down and then waking up on the street. I don't know if I blacked out or if my mind is blocking things out from my memory. When I woke up, there was a red headed guy kneeling over me (and later told me he put his jacket under my head. I was too distracted to notice.) There was another guy that turned out to be a nursing student taking my vitals and making sure I had feeling in my limbs. I could have sworn I was dreaming, and I kept asking if I was. Then Allana from our relief society presidency ran over to me (also a nursing student) and was asking me questions to test my mental ability (I was fine) then she went to get my roommates. I heard the ambulance on the way and my roommate Rachel C ran out and tried to get to me but some guy was holding her back to which she responded "THAT'S MY ROOMMATE" I tried to help, but all I could say was, "Rachel...." kind of quietly. I caught a quick glimpse of the driver while I was waiting for the ambulance. Later when I thought about it, I was very disappointed that she didn't seem concerned about me at all. I'm still kind of ticked about it. I also caught a glimpse of someone who turned out to be the mayor of Rexburg. The ambulance loaded me in and they are asking me all these questions and all I could say was "I hurt all over, but my knee HURTS REALLY BAD!!!" I didn't get pain medicine till we were at the hospital (not really a long time, but it sure felt like it). We arrived at Madison Memorial Hospital in Rexburg, and as I found out later, I was the first patient in the E.R. and the only one until I got released. They took me in, checked my vitals again, got my info and took me in for x-rays. The x-ray technician had a heck of a time getting my necklace off because of the board and neck splint that I was attached to. I had no broken bones(they pretty much x-rayed everything). They left me alone in the x-ray room for a few minutes, and in those few minutes I realized how lucky I was to be conscious, mentally stable, and to have no broken bones. I shed a few tears and thanked God. They wheeled me back into my ER room and finally removed me from the board and neck splint. Those things are really uncomfortable fyi. So they had an officer come in and take pictures of my injuries and asked me a few questions. He also shared a story with me about how another girl my age was drunk and walking on the highway and was hit by a car going 65 mph. The only reason she was still alive was because she was drunk (it had something to do with her body not tensing up because of the alcohol). However, she had a broken neck and was near death. I felt sorry that he had to see two accidents similar to each other within the same two days. Once again, I knew how lucky I was. Another officer then came in and took a statement from me and informed me that the driver was already being fined with failing to yield to a pedestrian and they were doing a further investigation. I was told later by people who witnessed the accident that the driver was on a cell phone and the police officer there suspected she was under the influence of either alcohol or drugs and wanted to draw her blood (I haven't heard any conclusive results on either detail). The nurse (she was really awesome by the way) came in and cleaned up and dressed my wounds. She then wheeled me over to a bathroom and I saw my hair for the first time (I was a little scared). Side detail that i didn't even think about till I saw it. Anyway, the nurse gave me a prescription for vicodin, some heavy duty antibacterial cream, stuff to dress my wounds, crutches, and a business card for an orthopedic specialist to see for my knee. When I was released my roommates, and my bishop and one of his counselors were waiting for me. They followed us back to the house and gave me a blessing (so thankful for that). I've been doing nothing pretty much all day except receiving visitors (gladly by the way). The relief society presidency, my home teachers, two girls from my ward, and the ward executive secretary (who happened to be doing a project on safety, so I did an interview with him for his project). I came home to a note from my dear friend Alex Walker, who happened to see me lying on the concrete on her way to class. Most recently, I have a friend Rachel over from my former apartment complex. She brought pizza and movies to watch. Hopefully later, I'll see one of the girls that was right there when the accident happened, and is a little shaken by it (I want to prove to her that I'm alive). Anyway, that's been my day. Right now I'm fine if I don't move too much, but if I have to get up for something, it's very painful (I almost cried the last time). It doesn't help that we live in a two story apartment. Oh, and I had a visit from the guy that gave me his jacket to put my head under and woke up to. It was so great to see him and thank him for his help. I'm so grateful for everyone that was there helping, or even that just witnessed it to help with the investigation. I'm hoping to be able to go to classes on Tuesday but we'll see. I, again, repeat what I said on facebook: I'm up to visitors and would love it actually. Here's the story! More updates later I guess!

I want...

1. To cry my eyes out
2. To punch a hole in the wall
3. For my hard work at school to pay off in the form of good grades
4. For him to care
5. For my ovary to stop hurting!!!
6. To stop being so hot (temperature, fyi)
7. To be home and to see my family, friends, and dogs.
8. To know that everything will work out.
9. All the time in the world to read everything and anything I want.
10.To handle stress better.
11.To be as carefree as I used to be.
12.For people to take me seriously.
13.To be motivated to eat healthy and exercise.
14.To be more motivated to study right now.

New Testament Assignment (sorry it's wonky, I'm in a hurry!)

Jenifer Wagner
FDREL 211: Section 21
Bro. Hall
25 June 2011

Student choice assignment #9


Destruction of the temple in Jerusalem (JS-M 1:5-20)
The Second Coming of Jesus Christ (JS-M 1:21-55)
Events to Occur
1. Many claiming to be of Christ, but are not. (6)
2. Many offenses, betrayals, and much hatred (8).
3. False prophets will deceive many (9)
4. Iniquity will abound and the love of many will turn cold (10)
5. Great tribulation on the Jews and upon the inhabitants of Jerusalem (18)
1. Tribulation in Jerusalem (21).
2. False Christs and false prophets that will show deceptive but, great signs and wonders (22).
3. Wars and rumors of wars (23).
4. Nation rising up against nation, kingdom rising up against kingdom (29).
5. Pestilances, earthquakes, and famines in divers places (29).
6. Iniquity shall abound (30).
7. The love of man will wax cold (30).
8. The gospel will be preached to the whole world (31).
9. The wicked will be destroyed (31).
10. The sun and moon will darken and the stars will fall from heaven (33).
11. Heaven and earth shall pass away, but the Lord's word shall not (35).
12. Weeping and gnashing of teeth (54).
13. The wicked will be cut off from the righteous before the end of the earth (55).

Promises to the righteous
1. Shall be saved (11)
2. See the destruction but will continue to stand in holy places (12).
1. Many of the very elect will be deceived (22).
2. They will be gathered for the second coming (27).
3. Those who treasure His word shall not be deceived (37).


2.Those who are righteous “need not fear; for thus saith the prophet, they shall be saved, even if it so be as by fire (1 Nephi 22:17).” The Lord, “will not suffer that the wicked shall destroy the righteous (1 Nephi 22:16).” Nephi also tells us in 1 Nephi 22:20 that “the Lord will surely prepare a way for his people” which would fulfill the words of the prophet Moses. In addition, more modern revelation given to the prophet Joseph Smith in Doctrine and Covenants section 97, verse 25 states, “Nevertheless, Zion shall escape if she observe to do all things whatsoever I have commanded her.”

My New Testament Assignment (I really like this one)

So this is a post of one of my New Testament assignments. The assignment was to write out the important events the last week of Christ's life. I got my info from the New Testament Institute Manual, fyi. So here it is:

Day 1: Jesus rode through Jerusalem and the people cried Hosanna to Him.

Day 2: Challenged the Jewish religious leadership by calling everyone out on exchanging money in the temple.

Day 3: Christ was challenged by the Jewish priests and responded by sharing parables that didn't exactly make them happy. He called out the scribes and the Pharisees for being hypocrites. Christ only taught the twelve from that day forward. The plot to kill Jesus began to be planned. Judas Iscariot offered to help betray Christ.

Day 4: Jesus knew of the plot against his life. None of the gospel recorders recorded anything for this day.

Day 5: The last supper, the introduction of the sacrament, the suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, Judas' betrayal, Christ's arrest and illegal trial all happened on that day.

Day 6: Christ was charged with blasphemy and with sedition against the state. Pontius Pilate found Jesus guiltless on both charges but charged Him with them anyway to appease the citizens. Christ was tortured and crucified (which is also torture on the body). He died and was taken down from the cross and placed in the tomb.

Day 7: The Jewish Sabbath. Christ's body remained in the tomb but his spirit taught the dead.

Day of the Resurrection: Christ was resurrected and emerged from the tomb.

This is one where I ramble a lot. Fasten your seatbelts, because it may be difficult to follow.

I blocked my first person on here. Not because they were doing anything bad necessarily, but I put on here some pretty personal stuff that I don't want some people to know. If you are reading my blog, then I trust you. This particular person is really trying to prematurely get inside my head when I really don't want them there. Anyway, I just thought it was interesting that even though this person is a friend of mine, I still don't feel comfortable with them knowing everything I put on here. It is 1:15 am...I didn't feel like going to bed before but now I'm debating. I'm really tired but I'm also really hungry. I don't normally stay up this late, but tonight seemed as good of a night as any to stay up insanely late. This weekend is going to be awesome mainly because I bought a red velvet mini cake at Broulim's today. I am in love with red velvet cake. There's still 2/3 of it left. 1/3 for each day :D. I can't wait to be on summer break. I love school, don't get me wrong, but everyone needs a break every once in awhile (like 7 weeks out of the year for example?) I'm looking forward to a lot of sunbathing, and fun mischief making. I'm really looking forward to being able to hang out with my dogs all day too. They love sunbathing as well :). Well, I think a lack of sleep is giving me a headache. I'm going to suppress the hunger and go to bed.

New Testament Assignment!

As I have said with my other new testament assignments, please excuse me if there is any confusion due to lack of context. I don't really know how to add detailed context to this without being long winded. This assignment, we were supposed to read assigned parables and pick a principle to be learned from each one. Here's mine:


1. Luke 16:1-12: The principle to be learned from this parable is preparation for the future.

2. Luke 16:19-31: The principle that I got from this parable is that those who suffer in this life can be made whole again in the next life.

3. Luke 17:11-19: The principle to be learned here is that the gospel is for everyone because we are all God's children. Another principle demonstrated was the importance of giving thanks to God.

4. Luke 18:1-8: The principle to be learned here is that God listens to us always and that His ways are not the ways of the world.

5. Luke 18:9-14: I think a principle to be found in here is to stay away from arrogance and to always be humble.

You know, I become more of a cynic as the days go by. (warning: whining ahead).

Yup, this is a whiny post. Don't read any further if you don't want to hear me whine. I just really need to get the whining out, otherwise some sort of disaster will occur. I have such a headache from overthinking and overanalyzing. I've come to the conclusion that I have this particular belief even though every day so far has taught me that it isn't true. I don't know why I keep believing that I will one day find someone that I will fall in love with and stay in love with. I keep on believing that even though I've been taught that no matter what I do, I can't even get a date to save my life (which is where this is all supposed to start). I've been taught by experience that there's always a "bigger fish" (leave it to me to relate Star Wars to my non-existent love life. Figures.) You know what I mean by bigger fish right? That girl that usually is a lot prettier but a lot more dumb that always gets the guy you want? There are times where I try really hard, but it never gets me anywhere. Sometimes I try to cool it and let the guy come to me. That definitely never works. I try a little harder (sometimes a lot harder) to look nicer, and that will occasionally earn me some temporary notice that eventually leads to nowhere. Sometimes I veil my intelligence and that'll work for awhile until I slip up. Sometimes I accentuate that I love learning and reveal how much of a nerd I am. That automatically earns me a place in the "friend to ask for help on homework". Overall, I go for the confidence thing (which is real most of the time, but I fake it sometimes. Fake it till you make it), and again, it's proved ineffective. I don't get it! I'm also tired of people mentioning that I'm so pretty that I must have the boys lined up at the door. Excuse me? I hate this because it's exactly the opposite. If I am so pretty then what's the problem? Maybe I might be, but it's always more than that. I never completely change my personality for someone and I won't. I refuse. I also refuse to marry a guy just because he likes me. I could have done that. I've had someone tell me that it doesn't matter who I marry as long as he's a worthy priesthood holder, blah blah blah. But it matters to me. I'm not going to spend eternity with someone that I feel lukewarm about. What is that crap about? I mean, I was with a guy that was the "perfect Peter priesthood" type guy and I would have shot myself in the head if I married him. Him being a very worthy priesthood holder did not automatically make him marriage material in my mind. I realized, that I didn't really like his personality at all. I was only with him because I so badly wanted a relationship and he was crazy for me (sorry kid!). It sounds like I'm being too picky right? Well to your dismay, that was the first relationship I had in 4 years. And it sucked. Not to mention, I don't think it can be considered pickiness when there aren't any choices to begin with. I'm not trying to do a "poor me" thing here, but it's pretty darn frustrating, especially being at a school where everyone's getting married, encouraging marriage, popping out babies galore. And it seems that I can do nothing about this, because, without fail, every guy that has shown interest in me has turned out to be a creep. If I'm so "nice" and so "pretty" then why the heck do non-creepy guys stay away?? By the way, this was not triggered by anything in particular, I just happened to wake up from a nap thinking about this (strangest thing). What tops this whole frustration off is that I want more than anything to find that person I'm supposed to be with, so this isn't something I can just give up. I'd like to, just to save myself the grief, but I know that I won't. I just want someone who cares and someone who finds learning about the world to be just as fascinating as I do. Someone who believes in helping people out and who believes that everyone deserves forgiveness. I don't want a patriarchal type relationship where the guy believes that because he's the guy he gets to control me and everything else as well. I'm too much of an independent person to be controlled. It's the worst thing. Well, I guess I'm done here. I feel somewhat better, and then I remember that no one gives a crap anyway. Oh well, I guess this is where numbness sets in. Then I'll fall asleep and wake up in the morning feeling better. How wonderful.

New Testament Homework...again

Please excuse any confusion that may come from posting this. I'm simply doing this blog post to fulfill the requirement of sharing my student choice assignment in my New Testament class. Basically, my assignment was on parables. The first part is a definition of a parable in my own words. The second part is different parables and questions that they answer (I did not make the questions that they answer up by the way, that was from the assignment). The third part answers a couple questions about sacrifice for maintaining membership in the church and the meaning of the parable talked about in Matthew 13:47-50. So here's the copy/past version!

Jenifer Wagner
FDREL 211: Section 21
Bro. Hall
14 May 2011

Student Choice Activity #2

1. A parable is a story told to teach a lesson. A lesson would be taught this way by Christ because some people were not ready to hear the fullness of the gospel and so they could still learn something from the parable and not be held as accountable for what they heard. At the same time, those who were ready to know the mysteries of the gospel would find deep meaning in the parables taught by Christ. A parable relates an eternal truth to something in the temporal world that the general population would understand. It's a complex and extended analogy.

2. Parable of the Tares (Matthew 13:24-30): Why does the Church send out so many missionaries?
Parable of the Mustard Seed and Leaven (Matthew 13:31-33): How do you explain the remarkable growth of the Church, considering it is fairly new compared to most world religions and started small in the American frontier?
Parables of the treasure and the pearl of great price (Matthew 13:44-46): Why are some members of the church willing to sacrifice so much worldly wealth and recognition in order to maintain membership in the church?
Parable of the Gospel Net (Matthew 13:47-50): What describes the future growth of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?

3. At one point, when I first decided I wanted to be baptized, I was willing to risk my parents not being happy with me joining the church. That was the case at first; when I told them I wanted to be baptized, they did not like it and tried to push me to go to Catholic youth group and decided to start attending mass regularly. Fortunately for me and them, I was too stubborn to listen. I decided that the truth was more important than making things easier for myself at home. I'm glad that things happened the way that they did because my parents got baptized 2 months after I did. When we are willing to make sacrifices for the truth, God will bless us.
I'm not sure if I'm correct on this or not so here it goes. The net represents being a member of the church. Being gathered in the net is becoming baptized. Those who are cast out are those who have denied the truth after accepting it. Those who were good and were gathered into vessels endured to the end. The significance of this is that those who are bad are cast out and those who are good are gathered to the celestial kingdom.

I hate...

I hate that I put myself under so much pressure. I hate that I feel that I can't at all control the pressure I put myself under. I hate that other people can do everything I want to do like take an insane amount of credits and hold a job and still get good grades and get by on little to no sleep. I hate that some people seem to have it so easy. I hate that I have things so easy and yet everything seems so difficult. I hate that it seems like my whole life is going to be me chugging along through everything stopping to have a quasi-mental breakdown every once in awhile. Why do they tell us in church to strive so much for perfection when we can't obtain it? It's too much pressure, I can't be anywhere near perfect. I've been trying for so long but I just feel so inadequate. I keep asking myself if everything I'm doing is worth it, if I'm actually going to succeed in life. Am I going to get good grades the rest of my undergrad career? Am I going to succeed in grad school? Will I have the career that I dream of? Will I actually meet that guy I'm supposed to marry someday? Will I have children of my own? Will I be happy one day? I like to think that I'm happy, but I can't stop the inadequacy. Other people do it all flawlessly, why can't I? I hate feeling so stupid all the time, I just wish it would go away...

New Testament Assignment

I chose to put my student choice activity for my New Testament class in my blog. It's an outline detailing different people mentioned in the gospels of the New Testament and how they knew about Christ, what they knew, and what they did with their knowledge. I included scripture references to look up (except the last one). If anything is wrong or vague, then sorry!!

Jenifer Wagner

FDREL 211: Section 21

Brother Hall

23 April 2011

Student Choice Activity # 4

There was no way to download the chart, so I'll just type everything in a non-chart form.

1. Elisabeth (Luke 1:39-45)

   1. How she learned about the Savior

      1. Mary talked to her and the Holy Ghost testified to Elizabeth

   2. What she knew about the Savior

      1. She knew that Mary was the mother of the Savior. She knew that the baby that Mary carried was blessed.

   3. What she did with her knowledge

      1. She testified.

2. Shepherds (Luke 2:8-18)

   1. How they learned about the Savior

      1. An angel appeared to them

   2. What they knew about the Savior

      1. He's in the city of David, he is the Savior, he is Christ the Lord, a babe in swaddling clothes and laying in a manger.

   3. What they did with their knowledge

      1. They went to see the baby Jesus and then traveled to tell people everywhere about the birth of the Savior.

3. Simeon (Luke 2:25-35)

   1. How he learned about the Savior

      1. He knew that he would not die before seeing the Savior

   2. What he knew about the Savior

      1. Christ is the Lord's salvation to us, Christ is a light to all people.

   3. What he did with his knowledge

      1. Blessed Jesus, Mary, and Joseph and then prophesied to them.

4. Anna (Luke 2:36-38)

   1. How she learned about the Savior

      1. She's a prophetess, but it doesn't say exactly how she knew about the Savior

   2. What she knew about the Savior

      1. Probably a lot, but it doesn't say anything specific

   3. What she did with her knowledge

      1. Departed not from the temple, fasted and prayed, gave thanks to the Lord, spoke of the Lord to other people.

5. Wise Men (Matthew 2:1-12)

   1. How they learned about the Savior

      1. Saw the star in the east and knew it was a sign of the Savior's birth

   2. What they knew about the Savior

      1. The star in the east was a sign of His birth, Christ was the King of the Jews

   3. What they did with their knowledge

      1. Went to worship him, brought the Savior gold, frankincense, and myrrh

6. Herod (Matthew 2:1-18)

   1. How he learned about the Savior

      1. The wise men told him

   2. What he knew about the Savior

      1. That he should be troubled by the Savior's birth,

   3. What he did with his knowledge

      1. Tried to find Christ so that Herod could kill him

7. Chief Priests (Matthew 2:1-6)

   1. How they learned about the Savior

      1. They read the writings of a prophet

   2. What they knew about the Savior

      1. That He was in Bethlehem

   3. What they did with their knowledge

      1. They told Herod

8. Nephites (3 Nephi 1:12-22)

   1. How they learned about the Savior

      1. The voice of the Lord told them and prophets also had testified of it for years

   2. What they knew about the Savior

      1. The Savior would appear to them soon, and whatever else the prophets told them

   3. What they did with their knowledge

      1. Fell to the earth in astonishment, some fell to the increased temptations from Satan, others were converted unto the Lord

9. Me (Not in the scriptures)

   1. How did I learn about the Savior

      1. I was raised knowing that Christ died for our sins and that he loves everyone. I gained a fuller knowledge of this when a friend of mine brought me to church when we were in high school and eventually I was baptized.

   2. What do I know about the Savior

      1. I know that he loves each person that has ever existed on this earth and I know that the Atonement can cover every pain and weakness that we can ever have if we let it. I know that accepting Christ's atonement is crucial in following the plan of salvation.

   3. What I did with my knowledge

      1. I was baptized into the church and from then on, I've been working to be a great disciple of Christ.

This is what all the fuss is about

I am really worked up about this, which is why I'm posting about it. This is my ranting place and just as a warning, I will be covering topics that involve the ridiculousness, idiocy, and ignorance of certain human beings that I have been cursed to have known my whole life. Anyway, my "aunt" (that's what she technically is to me, but I don't consider her family by any means) got a facebook account so she's a real big shot now. She posted a note that was very insulting towards my mother and I. More so towards her, but that makes me angrier. Here it is:

You know its amazing the stuff people will write on here! It also blows me away that someone who spends 90% of their life screwing with someone would write that they are tired of people screwing with them!!!!! Not to mention that someone God himself decided to make infertile because they wern't qualified to be a parent would then decide to BUY a child anyway and think that that makes them qualified to tell someone else how to raise theirs. Small wonder that the kid that was bought decided to go several states away and change religions JUST TO GET AWAY FROM THE CRAZIES!!!!

You know what, I don't care what you believe in religion wise, but this woman can not actually know God very well if she believes anything she just wrote. For one thing, it's plain ridiculous to assume that someone did something so terrible that they would be cursed with infertility as a punishment (seriously, no matter what you believe, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY). Another thing, even if that were possible, um, my mom? Seriously, the one who couldn't hurt a mouse or hoard or ants? My mother, the ultimate mother (she plays mom to many many people) and does a stinkin good job at it. I am not claiming my mom has been perfect her whole life, but her out of all people couldn't and didn't do something so bad to deserve infertility. And by the way, my mom not qualified to be a parent? Seriously? My mom takes care of children for a living! She is the mecca of information for motherhood! Sure, I'm her only real child, but she mothers everyone! And if my mom was so unqualified to be a mother, why was my aunt willing to act as a surrogate mother for my parents right before I was adopted. Yeah...your story is a little incongruent there.

Ok, another thing, apparently adoption=sale? Seriously? Does she even know the story of my adoption? I'm lucky to actually know the story behind it. My biological parents were unmarried adults, 20 & 22. They conceived a child out of wedlock, a crime in each of their families punishable by disownment (no joke). My biological mom was a chemist in the air force (at least until they moved her for my own safety) and my biological dad worked for my adoptive dad in missile maintenance. This wasn't some sort of shady backdoor deal. It was an act of service for all parties. I've thought about it, and if my biological parents had kept me, I wouldn't know any family. I wouldn't know grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. That would be terrible. It's even more terrible than having family members shun and slander you.

Oh and yes. I did in fact change religions and attend BYUI to get away from my crazy parents who I love (seriously?). You know what? They changed religions too (gasp!). Right after I did. I was baptized September 16, 2007 and they were baptized November 10, 2007. It was the best decision I've ever made and it's brought me closer to my parents. I don't care how much the rest of my family hates the church and tries to slander us. It doesn't make me lose faith in the least. Nice try, but no cigar!

Anyway, I've been really needing to get everything out. This has all been building up and it finally bubbled over in me tonight when I read that note. I guess that's why she friend requested me on facebook. To make sure I saw her petulant little note. A middle aged woman has nothing better to do than slander her niece and sister in law? Seriously, get a life! Anyway, it irks me that she is a child of God and that she acts this way. She is God's child and she goes around trying to tear God's other children down too. I can't wrap my head around it.

In conclusion, this is why I've been going bananas all night. I can't believe so much energy and emotion was wasted on her. She hasn't meant anything to me for a long time, but I guess she still knows where the sore spots are. That facebook note was definitely cowardly and below the belt. I'm not on here to slander her, but simply to vent about what happened. It hurt. I do care about my own feelings, but I care whether the rest of my family is alright first. What's even more sucky about this is that we've really been trying to stay away from all of them more than ever lately because they've been so nasty towards us. It's sad on her part because there was absolutely nothing to provoke this. I guess she's just bitter over something and doesn't have anything else to think about.

Anyway, I'm done for now. Anyone wants to talk to me about it, let me know!

Unfamiliar

I am having a case of "who are you" with someone I know...knew...Basically a friend of mine seems to be acting really different and every time I talk to them I keep saying to myself "who are you" towards that person. I don't know how to handle this because I feel that this person and I used to be really close, but it's like I can't even relate to them anymore. I don't know how to handle having this person as just another acquaintance rather than a really close friend. It's the weirdest thing ever, but that's what it's turned into! I don't even know this person anymore. I've seen this happen to other people, where they change so much that you don't even know them, but it means more when it's this person. Change can be good, but I'm not sure that this change is good, at least not for our friendship. Quite frankly, this person is someone that I want to keep being friends with because I'm hoping they'll go back to being their old self. That's not something I should expect though. I feel somewhat obligated also, because how could a friendship so awesome and amazing just be thrown away??? I realize that maybe I've changed too, but I think it's mostly this other person. This...is...weird...I have run out of words to describe what I'm feeling right now...

Snowview 1

I am officially moved in and I have the apartment to myself for almost a week. Thankfully, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, my life will be taken over by Get Connected, so I won't be too bored. I plan on being as lazy as possible for all you inquiring minds out there. The loveseat napping has got to stop though. That was not my brightest idea. I am so tired today (3 hours of sleep at the most!) and once I had the place to myself and I had fed myself for the first time (2:30 pm) I decided it was nap time. I'm always on the loveseat here, so I just took a nap there. Well my back is very mad at me for that move and doesn't even appreciate the fact that I got about 1 1/2 hours of sleep. Anyway, I don't feel like unpacking right now, so I'm just eating more pizza and drinking more coke. Ha, I had a fun conversation with my dad about Charlie Sheen when I showed him the 2 liter of coke that I had...WINNING! Ha, I'm so out of it right now...The internet here is wonderful and hasn't gone out yet. I was able to watch the latest Big Bang Theory without the video dropping like it did to me yesterday at Abby Lane. I suppose once it stops raining I should go to the store and get some food besides pizza and breadsticks...erg, don't feel like moving...oh well...I hope you enjoyed this exhausted, rambling post of mine!

Just a bunch of boring stuff that I'm about to complain about. This is your warning.

So, financial aid fell through for Spring Semester. Apparently, financial aid is not year round like I've been told, so guess who is super stressed out? Yes, that's me. I already have a place to live and am registered for classes and interviewed for a job here. I'm pretty much set to stay in Rexburg except that now I can't afford school! I'm going to go to the financial aid office tomorrow to see if there is anything to be done (maybe having a person there will open up some new solutions?) All I know is that my financial aid adviser was only helpful in letting me know why I didn't take the federal subsidized loans: interest that accrues while I'm in school and a higher interest rate than the unsubsidized loans. I looked into a loan from Sallie Mae, but the internet hates it when I go to the website because it keeps going out if I'm on there more than five minutes (meaning that I never finish the application!) So, yes. I don't have a way to pay for school, so if anyone knows any financial aid suggestions that I should know about, PLEASE TELL ME! By the way, I did finish the FAFSA, but that only applies after July, so it doesn't exactly help me now. And if you're going to tell me to get a job, I'm going to tell you that you have a 2 second head start because I've been looking for a job since I got back here in August. The student employment page is my home page and I check every single position and almost every job on there interferes with my class schedule or they don't want me because I'm not the right major.

Anyway, I'm also moving on Saturday! This means that I have to have my whole life packed up very soon which is stressful, but I will be in a larger apartment, that's closer to campus, comes with three best friends, and has way better internet! So much to look forward to with that. I hate packing though because it keeps reminding me how much crap I own. I hate being reminded that I own so much stuff!!! I just hope everything goes smooth on Saturday and that there won't be any mocking or people getting mad at me for having a lot of stuff. Once I've checked out and moved in on Saturday, life will be golden!

Gosh, my grades are driving me crazy too! I worked hard this semester and some of my grades reflect that, but some of them really don't!! I also have a couple of grades on the borderline which drives me nuts! I so need to do better next semester and try to save my GPA while I still can. My GPA isn't even bad (3.7) but I feel like it is! And I think it's going to go down, because one of my 3 credit classes is looking like a C+ (79%). One can only hope that the borderline grades go up and not down!

Ok, I'm going to get off now. This ranting may have possibly saved me a panic attack! Goodnight!

180

I had a complete turn around from yesterday's post! It's mostly due to the fact that I get to go home from April 21-24. I had planned to do that for awhile, because that's when my dear Marianne is getting married, but when it came time to actually buy my plane ticket, my tax return left me just short of the amount I needed. Since then, my taxes were rejected and my mom redid them and I ended up getting more money back. I've been so busy that I hadn't really thought about the fact that I could afford the plane ticket now. In addition, my parents and I realized that it's pointless for them to drive to Idaho to come pick me up. They don't really need to, it was more of a trip for the sake of a trip. So that left them with their tax return money as well. Anyway, last night I was obviously really home sick and I couldn't stop thinking "I've got to go home" over and over again. I finally put two and two together (my increased tax return meant I could afford to go home) and guess who got EXTREMELY LUCKY??? Yes, that would be me. The plane ticket that I wanted was a full $120 less than the last time I checked. Literally $100 each way! Dirt Cheap!!! So I booked the flight after calling my mom at 12:30 am their time to let them know, and now I'm coming home!!! I feel so much better now. Obviously, my main goal in this was to be home for Marianne and Craig's wedding. In addition to that, I really just need to see my dogs and my family and my friends back home. I am completely serious when I say that I never get homesick. Last night was the first time, and I'm really glad this worked out!!!! I won't be home for long, but honestly, I'm getting stir crazy here in Rexburg too, so getting out even for a slightly extended weekend will do wonders for my sanity!

Oh also, I had my job interview today, and I should hear back by the end of the week or the beginning of next week! I really need this job and if I get it, I really think I'm going to enjoy it too! As part of my interview, I had to edit a syllabus for an online course for grammar, punctuation, spelling, clarity, and formatting. It literally took me an hour to do, but I was so lost in it that it didn't even feel like an hour at all! I mean, the lady that I interviewed with told me it would take an hour, but I didn't believe her until I looked at the clock when I was finished! Not only do I need this job, but I really want this job. It's flexible hours and it's something that I enjoy. I am going to have absolutely no free time except on weekends, but I'm okay with that! If I get this job, I'm not sure that I'll care about having free time!!

blergh

I have a job interview tomorrow (don't tell anyone yet, I don't want to jinx it!) I am nervous because I think I have overestimated my grammar correcting abilities. I think I am good on spelling. Oh boy, the lady I'm interviewing with said that the process takes about an hour! Gah! I'm nervous about that and I just wish that I had certain people here or more involved in my life. I miss a lot of people back home. I love being on my own which would be hard to do back in Missouri because I know my parents would insist on me living with them for as long as they can make excuses for me. I miss some friends that I left back in Missouri and sometimes I miss them so much that I wish I'd never left. I guess I wish it were easier and way less expensive to go home. I really miss my dogs. I was in Broulims today and I passed by a display of dog toys and it made me want to cry. I seriously miss them. I'm not sure how many people understand this, because they think "oh, they're just dogs. Why does it matter?" Those dogs have gotten me through so much and they just make all my days better. There's nothing like coming home to little paws beating against your knees. They even do this when I have only been outside for a minute or two. I guess they fear me getting eaten by the mailbox or something. If anyone were to get eaten by a mailbox, I'm sure it would be me. I'm not sure what that means...my point is that I miss my dogs and my friends back home. I know that I'm out here at school for an important purpose, an education! Duh! But I almost wish that I could go back home to finish or something (go figure that my classes more than likely wouldn't transfer. President Clark said so in a Q&A our ward had with him). I realize that I am eventually going home for summer break and that I can go to grad school close to home, but it seems like so long to wait. I'm also jealous of people able to just go home for the break. A lot of people I know live that close to home and if they don't, they have the money to go home. I don't know, I think I'm probably being a crybaby tonight (PMS?) Whatever it is, I wish it would stop. It's hard to hold up this "happy all the time" image when I'm missing my dogs and friends like crazy. I don't understand how some people can just appear happy all the time. I mean, I've been trying really hard to be positive and happier lately, but to do it full time? I just don't understand it. There are some people that are just so happy every single time I see them. That was a rhetorical side note. Can someone please puppy-nap my beloved canines along with my mom's potato salad and some bellecino's pizza to bring to me?? Weird, I know. Oh well, if I stay on here any longer I'll just find more things to be sad about. Goodnight, please pray that my interview goes well! I really really really really really really really need this job!!!

Online Shopping

So, I've become a fan of online shopping since I've moved to Rexburg and there aren't that many places to shop. I mean there's a few places, just not the places that I want (Target, Old Navy, etc). I really don't end up buying much (I'm broke!) but I love just looking at clothes online. I have a MAJOR pet peeve with reviews on items. Yes they can be helpful, but most of the time it's just people complaining. A lot of times it's over something stupid. For example, this lady on Old Navy (she triggered this rant) admitted that she was very short and so the medium of a certain shirt covered half her butt. Hello, did you just hear yourself? That is not something against Old Navy, especially because they provide more detailed fit information than a lot of places (they give an exact measurement of how long shirts are and where it normally should hit, and sometimes tell if it runs large or small). Not to mention, that it's not Old Navy's fault if you get the wrong size. I saw tons of complaints on there about "It's too big, this shirt sucks!" Then return it and get a different size! Seriously! The lady that triggered this rant also said "I wish they at least offered petite sizes". So on Old Navy's website, when you put your mouse to click on "Women" the drop down menu has two options: Petite (5'4'' and under) and Tall (5'10'' and up). To get the middle sizes you just click on "Women". You seriously can't miss the drop down menu on the website. Anyway, I wish that when people posted reviews such as these, they would realize what they're saying, and only criticize it if there is actually something wrong with the product (bad quality or something) or observations "Hey, I ordered my normal size from here and it's too big so you might want to order a size down" or "The fabric's thin, make sure to expect to wear a shirt underneath". Those things are not things wrong with a product and therefore people shouldn't throw tantrums over them. If I were to order the wrong size, I'd return it. Old Navy didn't MAKE me buy that size, I did. It's no one's fault, it's just a mistake.

Yeesh! Glad I got that out!

Excitement!

So I recently became re-excited for next semester! I think a huge part of it is that my biostatistics class, no matter how that turns out, will finally be over! I'm hoping that I don't have to retake it. So far, I'm almost half way through the study guide for the final, and I'm understanding everything (and noticing mistakes that online course development made, because I understand the concepts now!) If I get 100% on all parts of my biostatistics final, my grade will go from a 76% to an 82%. Dramatic improvement if you ask me. I'm hoping that if I do understand everything, that the questions won't be stupid, because if they are, then my teacher won't care and won't do anything about it and all my hard work will be down the toilet (hey sounds like this class through the whole semester, it IS a pattern).

Wow, that was a long tangent; back to the main point. I'm more excited for my classes this upcoming semester too! Neurobiology= hello, this is what my major is all about!!! I'm so excited, and I've already had the teacher before, Bro. Eckersell, and he's way awesome!! General Microbiology= excited for a new learning experience. So, we've talked about microorganisms and other things that you can't readily see in my other classes, and it's so hard to understand because I can't look at it. I do well with anatomy because I happen to have owned the study guide for almost 20 years now ;). This coming semester, I will be able to look at bacteria and protozoans and all that other stuff that seemed so abstract and I couldn't understand!!! I'm way excited!!! General Chemistry=not looking TOO bad. I looked over the course description, and it looks like I'm set until midterm, because I recognize all those concepts from my 1 semester of chemistry in high school. I'm not generally a chemistry person, it's the whole "I can't see how atoms interact with one another" thing. College Algebra=not bad at all. I took pre-calculus in high school. And so you ask "But pre-calculus covers college algebra, why ever would you take college algebra?" Because that's the only way they'll let me take my 3 chemistry classes and therefore I can graduate. They didn't want my pre-calculus even though it was a college level class, I didn't pay for the credit. I'm not that miffed about it, it shouldn't be too bad. New Testament= religion class. Duh. Easy. New Testament also happens to be the only year of seminary I attended so I have more background with that one than with the other religion classes I've taken.

So I've got rockin classes, that although will require much studying and focus on my part, are going to be awesome. Then I've got three awesome friends that I'm living with next semester. Finally, the end to random roommates, please tell me why I didn't think of this sooner??? Although in some cases random roommates have turned out to be good friends (love ya Alex[andria]) and in others things weren't disastrous, I'd much rather room with people that care about me (friends anyone?) that I already get along with, and it's already there. Not that things are going to be perfect, they NEVER are, but it'll be easier and better for sure.

Also, warmer weather. Things are always much better when the weather is warmer. I get so sleepy and sometimes cranky when it's overcast or raining or extremely windy. I love the sun. End of story.

So, I've got to get back to relearning my biostatistics class before my final...and get off here before I start another rant about that class...

Release...

So I've just had a talk with a roommate of mine that I haven't exactly gotten along with throughout the semester. I could never pin down a specific problem, but things always seemed tense I guess. She just came and talked to me about things that have been going on all semester. Basically, I have been doing stuff and not doing stuff that I haven't even been aware of that has made her think that I'm a terrible person! When she told me I thought about it, and I realized that it was all true. It was stuff that I never even thought about. For example, when we drive to church, I have been walking way ahead of her and my other roommate. I sort of realized this, because I'm naturally a fast walker, but to her it made it seem like I didn't want to be seen with her or something. This totally makes sense, but I didn't even realize it until she pointed it out. She also pointed out that I haven't said thank you for things that she's done for me, namely giving me rides to church. There's absolutely no excuse for that one. I didn't realize I wasn't doing it, but I definitely should have. There's other stuff too, but basically I feel bad that all this tension came down to some small things that if I had noticed I was doing, I could have fixed them and we would have had a much more pleasant semester. I've racked my brain sometimes trying to figure it out, what it is that I could be doing wrong. All this time, I had no idea...I'm glad she ended up saying something to me though, so at least I can fix it for what's left of the semester. I can understand why she would not have said something though, because they seem like such small things, but the small things add up, especially over time. I probably would have reacted in a similar way. I'm mainly posting this to kind of clear my head, because when someone approaches you in a certain way asking to talk to you and you get that gut wrenching feeling with a side of fear? That's kind of what I'm trying to release right now...It just goes to show that I am once again being reminded of things that I need to do better. I really should show appreciation more. It doesn't really do anyone any good if I'm the only one that knows that I'm appreciative of something.

Imperfection

I just read this really cool blog post about perfection and how everyone is obsessed with being perfect, when in reality, none of us are perfect. People are making themselves sick with worry and doing drastic things and stressing themselves out because they can't achieve perfection. We know that it's not achievable now, but we still make ourselves sick over achieving it. It's crazy that we expect others around us to be perfect and we expect ourselves to be perfect ALL THE TIME. The guy who wrote the post challenged everyone who read it to post their imperfections and to live with them and to decide to choose happiness in spite of them. I want to do that. I was so jazzed up and now I'm realizing this is a lot harder than I thought...I am a very negative person in general. I have very negative and cynical thoughts. I actively try to work on these, especially the negative thoughts towards other people. I criticize people so much inside my head. I know that the things I say are mean, which is why I don't say them out loud. I am having trouble forgiving myself fully for things I've done in the past. I am self centered. I realize that ultimately, we always have our own self interests in the forefront of our minds, but I don't like the amount of self centeredness I have sometimes. I won't even get into my looks that much because it can be such a touchy subject. I don't like them a lot of the time, and about 98% of the time I don't feel beautiful. I can try really hard, but it never seems to be enough. I fear becoming arrogant. I've been told my whole life how smart I am, and I think that having that drilled in my head is a good thing because it helps me to challenge myself, but at the same time I think it can make me arrogant.

I'm starting to not like this guy's idea about sharing our imperfections after all. It's kind of making me more down on myself than anything. I still think he had a good point that we obsess over perfection too much.

I'm Jen...AND I'M IMPERFECT!

Religion

So this is something that's come up in my mind a few times. Having changed religion, the subject of all religions interests me. I like to know what other churches believed. In the mall I had a lot of people hand me pamphlets about their various churches and I liked reading them to see what they believed. I would always hand them a piece of paper with www.mormon.org on it too. I figured it's a good opportunity! And although there are other religions that have different symbols and beliefs and things that are sacred to them that are different from ours, I still feel a need to respect those. For example, at my place of work over the summer, we started selling rosaries (just for more info on rosaries). People would typically wear the ones that we were selling which, I've always been taught (I used to be Catholic) is sacrilegious. This kind of ticked me off a bit because you use rosaries to pray with and it's just not right to wear them. Even though I'm not Catholic anymore, it still upset me that someone would wear them when they mean so much to a lot of people. I just think that we can do better to respect those of other religions by not assuming that we know what they believe and actually trying to find out. We can be careful to be respectful of others beliefs even if others aren't respectful of ours. It's what Christ would do.

I guess what triggered this is I found a brochure from a Seventh Day Adventist Church that we got in the mail torn up outside my door (I have a weird roommate who likes to tear things up and leave it around the house, probably to tick me off). It was a brochure about a conference they were holding to educate people about Christianity and Islam and the connections between the two faiths. I love when I see inter-faith things like this, I think it's so cool! It kind of made me mad to see that she tore it up, because this conference probably means a lot to those at that Seventh Day Adventist church, and I realize it's not as important as rosary beads or anything else, but it still irks me for some reason. I guess it seems like if I gave someone a pass along card and just saw them rip it up and throw it away right after I gave it to them.

I don't know, maybe I'm just weird or overly sensitive...

27 days...

I'm so ready to be away from 2 of the people I'm living with! They walk around here acting like they own the place (which yes they live here, but they're not in charge). For this entire week, they've started watching REALLY loud movies in the middle of the night! What the crap freaks??? I've been trying to be understanding of the fact you miss your significant others, but I'm done! There's no excuse for this especially since all you do is scream at them over stupid stuff. Seriously, they pick fights over the stupidest things like not texting back within the minute or not speaking proper English! If you love them so much, stop screaming at them, and stop disrupting my sleep by watching your loud movies! And the loud obnoxious talking, screaming...ugh! I try to be a considerate person in general when it comes to the people I live with, why can't I get the same in return! I watched a movie loudly once while living here, because they were screaming so loud I couldn't hear the movie, so I turned it up until I could hear it which was pretty loud! There' s no one here to drown out, so WHY???? Rant over.

I like getting things out...

even if they are completely mundane. I think this blogging thing is going to happen more often. It's somewhat therapeutic. Things are a little better on the family front aka nothing has been broken or stolen and no one has been threatened today. This may sound ridiculous, but it's something that I think could happen with the people that I used to call my family. There's something wrong with them. There's a lot of things about them that make them seem inhuman to me. It's something I want to understand simply because the only person I've seen that's more inhuman is the BTK killer on some news clip. I'm not sure why they are the way they are, I just wish they would stop harassing my parents, especially my mom. I wish they would just leave us alone like we plan to do with them.

There was a luau for Get Connected tonight. I won a hula hoop contest while there, woot! Maybe I should put "mad hula hooping skills" on my resume. Who knows? It was fun, not too exciting, but there was free pizza. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't win the pineapple with sunglasses, but I will get over it. I think the only reason I wanted it was because the pineapple was wearing sunglasses. I really like whimsical things.

I'm really tired, yet I know I won't be able to get to sleep because I have this urge to want my homework to be finished without actually doing it. Anyone catch my drift? I hate having it hang over my head, but I'm too tired to think enough to actually do it...

I also think I'm in love with red velvet cake. I am usually able to resist the desserts in the crossroads, but I go in there to buy a Jones soda (Blue raspberry lemonade or something, I may be in love with those too), and I kept telling myself out loud as I passed the dessert table "keep walking, keep walking, keep walking..." and then I looked back at the beautiful red velvet cupcake. The last one and it had a giant swirl of cream cheese frosting on it. I suppose I'm lucky I got the cupcake and that I wasn't turned into a pillar of salt (Lot's wife looking back? "That's not a pillar of salt, that's my wife!"-Lot). That was a joke. I hope I wouldn't get turned into a pillar of salt for eating a cupcake...I suppose cupcakes would be a lot less desirable then...

I like that this post had a mix of serious and not as serious in it. It's normally serious with me on here, but I swear I'm not boring!

Scriptures and thoughts.

I have had some turmoil going on in my family life as recently as tonight. Certain members of my family have been causing great pain to my mother, who is one of the most wonderful women I know fyi. She is a great example of Christ like love to everyone around her. She is always looking to help people. She always puts everyone else before herself. I love her very much, and I am very angry with those that have caused her pain just because they know how to. I have also been studying the Liberty Jail sections of the Doctrine and Covenants, and have a few choice scriptures for those special people in my life that purposely hurt my mom for doing the right thing:

"And they who do charge thee with transgression, their hope shall be blasted, and their prospects shall melt away as the hoar frost melteth before the burning rays of the rising sun;

And also that God hath set his hand and seal to change the times and seasons, and to blind their minds, that they may not understand his marvelous workings; that he may prove them also and take them in their own craftiness;

Also because their hearts are corrupted, and the things which they are willing to bring upon others, and love to have others suffer, may come upon themselves to the very uttermost;

That they may be disappointed also, and their hopes may be cut off;

And not many years hence, that they and their posterity shall be swept from under heaven, saith God, that not one of them is left to stand by the wall.

Cursed are all those that shall lift up the heel against mine anointed, saith the Lord, and cry they have sinned when they have not sinned before me, saith the Lord, but have done that which was meet in mine eyes, and which I commanded them.

But those who cry transgression do it because they are servants of sin, and are the children of disobedience themselves.

And those who swear falsely against my servants, that they might bring them into bondage and death--

Wo unto them; because they have offended my little ones they shall be severed from the ordinances of mine house...

Wo unto all those that discomfort my people, and drive, and murder, and testify against them, saith the Lord of Hosts; a generation of vipers shall not escape the damnation of hell.

Behold, mine eyes see and know all their works, and I have in reserve a swift judgment in the season thereof, for them all;

For there is a time appointed for every man, according as his works shall be...

How long can rolling waters remain impure? What power shall stay the heavens? As well might man stretch forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river in its decreed course, or to turn it up stream, as to hinder the Almighty from pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints."

Doctrine and Covenants 12-33

Sorry, that's a lot. These scriptures have helped me to feel a lot better and to strengthen my testimony that although hard times come through, Heavenly Father is looking out for His children. One day, everyone will be judged according to their works by God the Father. Some will be pleased and others will be kicking themselves. Whatever happens though, it's in God's hands, and that's very comforting. I know that God lives and that Christ is our Savior. I know that the scriptures are true, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, the Pearl of Great Price, and the correctly translated Holy Bible. It feels so good to type that. I don't bear testimony as often as I should. I'm glad I got the opportunity to in my blog. First step, right?

Anger...

I am about ready to punch someone...specifically my roommate who can't control her VOLUME!!! Yeesh, NO you are not a ghetto rap star diva, SO SHUT UP!!! Insensitive, yes! I was referring to me by the way. I might be being insensitive, but at this point I DON'T CARE!!! Am I the only one around here who realizes that the walls are thin...How dare I want to be in my own apartment...

I am better now. Normally, I would be annoyed at that sort of behavior, but it's my stressing out that made me actually angry. Yeesh, I just have to keep reminding myself that life is supposed to be difficult.

I am so mentally exhausted right now. I think my brain needs a deep lobe massage or something.

It's always people!

People fascinate and frustrate me so much! So I realized that everything that I'm interested in (Literature, health related topics, psychology, sociology, etc) all goes back to people. I'm fascinated by humans. I always want to know more! Which is why I get frustrated with people because I will never be able to fully understand people! I've been thinking about my family tonight and I have a few things to say. One, I love my parents so much. They get on my nerves whenever I am home for too long, but it still doesn't change the fact that I love them. I figure they still love me and believe in me after all the grief that I've caused them (I've thought about it, and having only one kid can be scary, because if one's messed up for life, then there's no one else) and they're still here supporting me, loving me, and caring about me. I am 99% sure that was a fragment. Anyway, I've also come to realize I can sort out who I can consider family by figuring out who really cares about me. I've had some family members act like they care about me and I think I believed them simply because I wanted to. I've realized that they don't care and some of them in fact hate me. I have that type of personality where a lot of people hate me or at least get frustrated easily with me. I think the ones that make me the most mad are the ones that have told me they cared when really they are apathetic. They really only care about themselves. Or those that feel obligated to stay in contact with you, but really don't want to or don't care. I guess what really gets me is that I care a lot about them, even though they really don't care about me. I am genuinely interested in the lives of people in my family, but some of them don't care about me, or at least don't show it. I've always wondered if it's because I'm adopted. I don't think it is, but I used to think so. I can kind of tell that I'm a little different from the rest of my family. I wonder if they notice it too.

So do I stop caring about those that don't care about me? I don't think I can. You only have one family. Why do so many people take families for granted? Be thankful for your families even if there are rough times. There will always be rough times. I'm going to say it again: you only get one family! Don't hesitate to let those that you love know that you love them. Life's short, who knows what will happen?

41 days

41 days is the amount of time that it will take for my REAL friends to get here. I'm so tired of random people roommates! I'm really thankful that I don't have anyone like deb from last semester or other horror stories that I've heard. But I hate the random people roommates, because if they don't like something that's going on all they do is gossip and complain about it. They don't confront the person, they don't talk about it. If it's that big of an issue, then do something about it or keep your mouth shut. Don't pretend to be talking to someone else about it when clearly you are talking loud enough so that the person you are talking about can hear you. I'm guilty of doing that last semester, except that it took me awhile to realize just how thin the walls are. Lately, I've just been keeping stuff to myself, because I don't see any real problems. I clean up my stuff and I stay out of everyone's way. And what did I just overhear? My roommate complaining about how no one washes HER dirty rag. I don't know of anyone that uses it because it is dirty. If she wants it clean how about she cleans it herself! I even tell people not to use it because it is dirty. It's HERS. I wouldn't leave something of mine in there and expect other people to clean it if no one else uses it. I think she was complaining about all the dishes sitting on the counter. GUESS WHAT? They're not mine, they're not my other roommate's, but they belong to the girl she was complaining to and her! Did that make sense sentence wise? I know it doesn't make sense for them to complain loudly about how pissed off they are about their own mess and then not do anything about it. I can't wait until my real friends and my future roommates are here. Having issues with each other won't go away, but it won't be to a degree such as this. I loathe having random roommates. Sometimes it turns out well, like this semester is way better than last semester. But the whole loud music and loud webcam talking in the middle of the night to where it's difficult to sleep is not cool. It just makes me mad that I try to be considerate, but some people don't care about inconveniencing other people. I complain a lot on here. I realize that. It's mostly because I feel stupid complaining about some stuff out loud and because I loathe complaining in general. Actually, complaining without trying to do something about it is what really gets me. It's hard to confront this kind of cattiness without making a scene, so I'm not sure what I can really do except to try to stay out of everyone's way. I just wish there was somewhere I could go so that I didn't have to be around all of this.

P.S. I think what makes things more frustrating for me is that there are some people that I simply don't understand. For example, I don't understand why people would complain so loudly about something and then refuse to do anything about it. I don't understand the delusions some people get, for example, on something completely unrelated to this, the delusion that they have actual influence and control over other grown adult's lives. I don't understand how someone could actually think they can order a grown adult around and that they would listen to them, and then get frustrated when the grown adult does not want to listen (FYI, you probably think I'm talking about me and my parents or something, but I actually am not). I wish I understood people better so that I could find them less frustrating.

Explosion

Ok, so I just want to declare this once and for all. I don't have a driver's license. And you know what? I DON'T want anyone's opinion on this fact! I don't tell people this for a reason, because it always changes how they view me and of course they then give their opinion on what kind of person I am because I don't have a driver's license. They blame it on me. They ask why I don't want a license or they ask how bad of a driver I am. I'm so ready to burst on this issue! I confided this to someone that I've recently begun to trust and when I expressed my frustration at the issue, she told me that having a license isn't all that great and that it's a HUGE responsibility, which I obviously can't handle! GET THE FULL STORY! I'm livid right now.

The sad thing is, that I'm a good driver. Yes, of course I would say that because I'm talking about myself. Everyone thinks they are a good driver. I know that I am and simply can't prove it!! It's the most frustrating thing in the world!!! I've spent hours and hours just driving everywhere I could and becoming confident in my abilities after being unfairly shot down by the DMV. Every time I go to take the test I do very well, and they start telling me I did stuff wrong that I know that I didn't!!! One exception, there's a lot of large corners where they do the tests, and the stop sign isn't on the corner and there's a lot of shrubbery, so I had the dilemma of where to stop and everything. It was my first test, and I acknowledge that I did that wrong. Unfortunately, it happened enough to fail me on the test. My second test, this lady claimed that I continuously stopped in intersections and stopped at green lights and ran red ones and didn't listen to her. It's not true at all. I have no idea why anyone would make any of that up (which is why you probably don't believe me) but she did. This last time, I knew I did really well. I was really confident in my abilities and I didn't do a thing wrong. Then he fails me. He said that I had great control of the car but didn't pay attention to my surroundings while I was driving!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? THAT is my specialty!!!! I make a conscious effort to know EVERYTHING that goes on around me. And he decided to tell the entire room full of people waiting for their kids to get back from taking the test. THANKS A LOT OLD MAN, GO DIE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

Besides my dad, I am the best driver in my family that I know. My grandmother has always thought it was okay to drive in two lanes at once!!! She still has her license. Lisa doesn't pay attention to anything around her while driving 80 mph everywhere! It's downright scary being in a car with her. My mom doesn't pay attention or put her blinker on. I follow all the rules. I am aware of everyone around me, and I'm so careful!! I want to have my driver's license so that I can feel like I can do more on my own and stop feeling like such a little kid that needs someone to driver her everywhere!!!

I hate this so much. It's so frustrating to walk everywhere and watch people make idiotic decisions while driving when I know that I wouldn't do that if I had a license. It's also frustrating to talk about driving in general, because I never want people to know because they judge me and think that I can't drive or that I'm stupid.

So everyone just get off my back! It already sucks enough to not have my license, I DON'T NEED YOUR CRITICISM TOO! I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THAT I NEED TO TRY HARDER OR THAT I'M STUPID!!! I hate all of you that criticize me for not having my license, I hate not having it enough. I hate that I have to be careful about what I get at the grocery store because I can't drive myself, and people get ticked off when I ask them for rides to the grocery store. I hate that I have to ask people for rides to go certain places when I'm home, that I can't just go where I want to go.

So just leave me alone and stop judging me. I try really hard to think the best of people, and I don't like being reduced to an idiot when people hear that I don't have a driver's license.